LeBron James Is Not Coming to the Knicks

Although this image is what every Knick fan would love to see in 2010, it's just not going to happen. Despite having a girth of contracts coming off the rolls after the 2009-10 season for the Knicks, the spectre of Isiah Thomas still remains. The Knicks DO NOT have a first round draft pick in 2010. Yeah, Utah has it. Eddy Curry, a chubby undersized center, and Jared Jeffries - who? exactly. - are both sitting on the chest of the Knicks' salary cap. Should Donnie Walsh hoodwink LeBron into coming to New York, the Knicks would have a tough time assembling anything resembling a playoff team. When you look at the contract situation for the Knicks, your hopes diminish quickly for a LeBorgasm of NBA championships happening at MSG.

A little math and reasoning will help explain my point. LeBron is going to sign for the max obviously. Under the current CBA, NBA players can earn no less than 105% of their current salary. That puts LeBron at $16,568,908 for 2009-2010, slightly higher than the max salary. This actually would be a pay cut for LeBron because he has a player option for next year that would pay him over seventeen million. But, considering the CBA is up for renegotiation in two years and his desire to play for a contender, he is likely to opt out and lock up a max deal.

The Knicks are not likely to resign any of their expiring contracts. 1) Because most of them are grossly overpaid and/or suck and 2) why would you align them to expire for 2010 if you were going to resign them. The Knicks have four players still on the rookie scale and both Eddy Curry and Jared Jeffries have player options they would be stupid not to exercise. Assuming they keep the Rooks, the roster starts off this way in 2010:

Eddy Curry $ 11,276,863
Jared Jeffries $ 6,883,800
Danilo Gallinari $ 3,304,560
Jordan Hill $ 2,669,520
Wilson Chandler $ 2,130,481
Toney Douglas $ 1,071,000
Lebron James $16,568,908

That's $43,905,132 of a $57,700,000 cap before you build out your team.

Because the Knicks will be under the cap for the first time since the Iron age, salary cap exceptions won't come into play next year. A NBA team can either have cap room or exceptions, but it can't have both. Still, $13,794,868 is a decent amount of cash to sign players.

The Knicks would need a point guard to start off with. Since reactions to Chris Duhon have been tepid at best and suicidal at worst, I think the organization might go in a different direction. The hardcore Knicks fans at the UltimateKnicks forum came up with some reasonable suggestions, mainly Ray Felton or Randy Foye. I'll use the mid-level exception as a proxy for either of those two's salary. The Knicks would need to fill out the frontcourt next. My guess it that they could convince David Lee to resign for $6.5 mil if they gave him a five year deal. That would make the Knicks undersized, but a slow plodding center doesn't really fit in the 7 seconds or less run and gun style of Mike D'Antoni. Sounds like a decent team until you realize you now only have $1,440,868 to fill 5 roster spots including a starting shooting guard. That's not even enough to pay Nate to keep racking up DNPs. If you went with this plan, the resulting roster would be:

PG Ray Felton or Randy Foye
SG 4th best SG from the D league
SF LeBron James
PF Danilo Galinari/Wilson Chandler
C David Lee

That doesn't look like a LeBorgasm, it looks like a LeBortion.

See, this is where having a top 5 pick in the draft would have helped. You could draft a SG or a C and be able to sign him, even if you were over the cap. But no, Isiah had to trade the unprotected 2010 1st round pick to the Suns for Stephon Marbury in 2003. His thinking was probably, "I won't be here when that happens." Maybe he was shrewder than we think...naaaahhh. Just to reiterate: THE NEW YORK KNICKS DO NOT HAVE A FIRST ROUND PICK IN 2010.

So what's the solution? Move Curry or Jeffries? That would be nice, but NO ONE is taking on Curry's contract unless the Clippers stupidly trade Kaman to save a year on his contract and set themselves up for a run at Kobe in 2011-12. Curry is dead weight. No team would take him especially when a lot of other teams are trying to align themselves the same way the Knicks are for the coming free agent class. As for Jeffries, the Knicks have been supposedly been "showcasing" him lately. He has showcased himself to the tune of 4 points and 3 rebounds per game. Again, I don't think anyone is biting.

I hate to say it, but the Knicks just don't have the pieces to lure LeBron to NYC. Even if he was dead set on coming to New York, they would still be a few years away from a championship. The Knicks are in a tough spot especially with expectations mounting. But, the pickings are slim after the top 3 free agents. The Knicks should probably wait this thing out another year. Curry and Jefferies will be gone and they will have a draft pick. I'm hoping one of basketball's cornerstone franchises returns to greatness or even 3-seed Eastern Conference Finals semi-greatness, but it is not going to happen with LeBron in blue and orange. Sorry.

Sources: Larry Coon's Salary Cap Info, Sham Sports' great player salary page

-K

P.S. I would love to see LeBron in NYC, so feel free to shred my assumptions, mock my theory and figure out a better way to get him here.

Gossip Girl

C sent me this link about the Parents Television Council. It of course pissed me off, so I wrote up a response for the CW:

Dear Family Parent Television Council or whatever,

You and your kind are the same people who got television stations to adopt a TV rating system and television manufacturers to adopt the V-chip. The FCC has turned into a completely unchecked authority on broadcast content even though every channel has a standards board. We are choosing to show an admittedly racy episode involving teenage sexuality because that is what our viewers want. You have every right to shield your children from our TV show and to even start a boycott to encourage others to do the like. But, at what point do you stop infringing upon people’s personal freedoms? When to do you stop imposing your morals on the whole of society and allow for individuals and parents to be personally accountable? We live in a free society, so you are free to howl about the immorality of overt displays of young people's sexuality, but we are also free to show it, so f--- you.

XOXO

Seems pretty reasonable right? I mean the show already has Chuck Bass as a character, so it's obviously not based in reality. Lighten up PTC. But, I guess that isn't what they do.

Also, C and her friends like to side with these "save the children" people when it comes to mandating through law that fast food places put up caloric information, but when these same types try to take their Gossip Girl away, look out. Freedom for me, but not for McDee I guess. That's why you just have to let people decide for themselves.

-K

I'm fired up today, don't expect it to last.

Gay Marriage

Never underestimate the power of indifference.

In the fight for gay marriage, laziness not bigotry has been the main opponent. Maine recently became the 31st state to not allow gay marriage. I think one of Newton's Laws of Motion, inertia, is to blame. Every election has zealous supporters on both sides of an issue. But, those people are out-numbered by the part of the voting-age population that could not give a crap. This is what kills the gay rights ballot questions every year.

Religious fanatics (if they are Christian, they are called conservative, if they are Muslim, they are called terrorists) swell the memberships of groups with names like The Family Institute and champion the cause of "family values." They are mostly filled with cheating husbands, prudish wives and self-hating gays. (Do a Google search for Evangelist and either gay or prostitute or both.) Their main assertion is that allowing gay marriage would be an attack on the institution of marriage. This, of course, is complete bullshit because if you really wanted to strengthen the institution of marriage, you would attack its main plague, divorce.

The proponents have one main constituency mainly, gays. Friends and family add to the movement, but they just don't have numbers to compete with the family values people. The family values people play up people's visceral reactions to aberrational lifestyles and the tide is set in motion. The subliminal message is "aren't you grossed out by homosexuality?" So, your family values message gets into the heads of people who are actively choosing to go to the polls and take a side.

This is where the gay marriage movement stalls. I can only attest to this anecdotaly and I admittedly skew to a younger demographic, but I've asked people what they think about gay marriage. Their answer is usually, "Who cares? or I don't give a f--- or whatever or why are you interrupting my sedentary lifestyle with these heavy societal questions, I'm trying to watch TV now shut the f--- up." I bet if you polled these passive observers (people who don't give a sh-t) you would find a (default) acceptance of gay marriage. People ultimately don't want to be bothered. They just want to say yeah, whatever leave me alone.

Your challenge gay marriage proponents is to get these people off their butt and into the game. This is a tough task since a body at rest will stay at rest. The easier route would be to fight the "gross-out" campaign. More Tim Gunn and lipstick lesbians and less making out on the capital steps. Do you remember Al Gore giving his wife a tongue bath? People were grossed out by that and he was straight.

More this, less that:

Ultimately though, gay marriage people your fight is not one against bigotry and intolerance, it is one against the recliner and the couch. Indifference is a great demotivater. Christ, look how long it takes between posts on this site. Did I die of the Swine Flu? No, of course not, because it's certainly ludicrous to be more worried about that than getting killed by say falling debris or being pregnant, or just about anything else that can kill you including the regular flu that's 4000 times more deadly, I just didn't give a crap for a while. Sloth is a deadly sin after all.



-K

...Yep, still a joke

Welcome to Massachusetts...

...our political process is a joke.

If you didn't hear (because you're deaf) Senator Ted Kennedy died a few weeks ago. After his wake and funeral were treated with more ostentation than a Papal visit, a debate was sparked around who would temporarily fill the Senator's seat in Congress. In most other states, the Governor appoints an interim Senator, which is fine, we had that rule until there was a (gasp) Republican governor and the possibility of a Senate seat opening up due to Senator Kerry's presidential run. The state legislature scrambled to change the rule so the seat was filled through a special election instead of Gubernatorial appointment. Then, a Senate seat actually did open up, but (thankfully) there was a Democratic governor, so they changed the rule back.

...and this is why Massachusetts is backwards and why the government should never be involved in any decision ever. What we are dealing with is a cadre of power brokers determined to keep Mass. in a liberal backwoods. A state legislature that would strip the people of a power it granted to them because it was convenient for their ideological goals is both unbelievable and unsurprising at the same time. I think there is a saying that goes something like what is the difference between politicians and mobsters; mobsters do their business in private.

This situation is travesty on many levels. Not only did we elect people who would counter- intuitively take more of your money in a down economy (they raised the sales tax), but would grant and deny people voting rights at their political whim. If that isn't bad enough, the complete lack of shame at their blatantly obvious lack of respect for precedent, principals, or the will of the people is appalling. It would sicken me more if I weren't adrift on a sea of apathy with a strong Democratic current which we call Massachusetts.

But, nobody cares, I'm tired of screaming at people that they should be pissed at this. Hopefully one day I will wake up and people will realize the best politician is the one who doesn't want to be one. F'n Mass, New Hampshire looks better everyday.

-K

P.S. Ted Kennedy drove a car over a bridge with a female passenger in it (that he was probably trying to bang), he escaped, she didn't. He didn't tell the police about it until the next morning.

Billy Bulger's brother, Whitey, lead a life of crime that ultimately landed him on the FBI's 10 most wanted list (at one point higher than Bin Laden).

Both of these men were re-elected for decades in Massachusetts.

This is what I am dealing with. Both of these men had their demons, but tried to do a lot of good with their positions, which is laudable, but multi-decade appointments. WAKE UP MASS! Do you want to live in a country where an incumbent Senator has f'n die to be replaced.

Traffic

If your cardiovascular system was designed the way the Greater Boston area's roads were, you would have had the sweet release of death you crave while waiting in traffic many years ago.


Seriously Boston, all of the highways bottleneck coming into the city; that's the opposite of sense. Why would you try to clog all of the roadways that lead to the central hub of the region? Route 93 goes down to 2(!) lanes - if you exclude exit only lanes - in the middle of the god damn city and the speed limit drops to 35 at one point in the Ted Williams tunnel. Thirty f'n five, what kind of major thruway is two lanes with a 35 mph speed limit. If your Aorta was designed this way you would drop dead from an aneurysm.

Your argument could be they are making the most with what they have, but after $22 Billion for the Big Dig, I would like to traverse 93 at highway speed all the way through the city.

Side Note: If I see one more story in the Metro about bicycle advocates trying make Boston more bike friendly, I am going to take a bulldozer to any bike rack I see. We need to get these people off the streets. It is already bad enough cyclists have a day each year where they can ride around mob style and motorists don't have a day where they can run them over.

-K

It's Official...

We have murdered Italian food.

Dunkin' Donuts has released a chicken parmesan flatbread sandwich that has completed the recipe's journey from classic Italian cuisine to pure unadulterated American bastardization. If a real Italian person saw this, I think he would spit on it before breaking down into tears. I imagine him having a feeling reminiscent of the end of One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. He sees the chicken parm as a shell of its former shelf and buys one just to throw it out and then hurls a water fountain through the wall to escape DDs.

RIP Chicken Parm

-K

Triple Your Money In 90 Days!

Silly Mormons. You got tricked by a Nigerian-born confidence man...and it wasn't even the Prince who is in jail. I mean who wouldn't believe that a record producer from California needs millions of dollars to broker a deal of 20,000 tons of gold (more than double the US reserve, the biggest in the world) between a group of Israelis and some Arab buyers.

Oh it gets better:

Jones was more flamboyant than either Simburg, who lived in a bungalow near the Los Angeles airport, or Jennings, who had a small house in Perris, 70 miles east of the city. He used investor money to buy a $1.5 million home in Marina del Rey and a $277,000 Ferrari Spider for his wife, according to court- appointed receiver Richard Weissman.

He showed up for meetings in a chauffeur-driven limousine wearing loud, custom-made suits and a bowler hat, at times bringing his wife, Yekaterina Jones, an aspiring singer and Russian model, says a person who met with him on several occasions.

So, the Mormons finally smarten up and confront the scam artist Mormon-style:

Several of them, angry about the repeated delays, confronted Simburg and Jones in Los Angeles on Super Bowl Sunday, Feb. 1, 2004, according to Craig Mason, the lead FBI agent on the case. Jones had told them he couldn’t meet because he was in Europe, Mason says. When they went to the office of his music company, Marina Investors Group Inc., they found him hiding under a desk.

Three days later, Jones said on a conference call, according to a transcript of the meeting, that he had concealed his whereabouts because he was being shadowed by “men in white trousers circling the building in odd hours of the night.” If investors gave him a little more time, Jones said on the call, he would provide proof that the gold deal was about to succeed.

“So we only have to wait another few hours for the documentation?” asked one investor, who wasn’t identified. “I think it’s worth our while to do that.”

You don't have to be so nice all the time Mormons. I keep picturing those Church of Latter Day Saints commercials with the little boy holding a sign that says, "That's my sister." This man is going to get me some more money so I can do the work of the Lord like when he showed up in Nevada, gee willikers. Stop falling for gold scams Mormons. First, there was Joseph Smith and his gold plates, and now Henry Jones and his gold deal. You are all so nice and naive, I don't know how you haven't been wiped off the planet yet.

Oh, the capper was when one of the guys who invested his life savings killed himself because he finally realized he got conned and Jones, the guy who conned him, asked the guy's brother to invest some more money at the funeral. He did.

-K

Smoking to Kill Less Than .01% of World's Population

What if this had that headline? Wouldn't that seem a little less ominous? A study by the American Cancer Society claims smoking is going to kill 5.5 million people globally. Lung Cancer, Emphysema, and heart disease are the causes listed. The first two I can agree with although, you can get Lung Cancer and Emphysema even if you don't smoke. But, with heart disease, how do they determine what is caused by a lifetime of smoking or a lifetime of 2" Ribeyes? The study continues with these gems (bullet points so reporters can just regurgitate):

- 50 million Chinese children, mostly boys, will die prematurely from tobacco-related diseases.

- Tobacco use will eventually kill 250 million of today's teenagers and children

By "premature" they mean 75 instead of 90, but by putting "die prematurely" and "boys" in the same sentence it sounds more horrific. Then, tobacco use will eventually kill 250 million. EVERYONE ON THE PLANET right now is going to die eventually including teenagers and children. Yes little babies are going to die at some point in the next 100 years.

These are all just numbers, so I wanted to find out the methodology. The initial report is the Tobacco Atlas from the American Cancer Society, but that is just an aggregate of research presented in colorful graphics and incisive one-liners about how we are all going to die of cigarette smoking. The Sources section points you to the WHO Report on the Global Tobacco Epidemic, 2008 which is short on health stats and long on control methods world wide. (yes let's track how well we are imposing and interfering in a person's personal health choices, WE KNOW WHAT'S BEST FOR YOU). That report is also an aggregate of research that points you to The Health Consequences of Smoking: A Report of the Surgeon General. The runaround turns into one big game of telephone because all of the numbers get rounded off and who cares if a smoker dies 14 or 15 years earlier than average, no one is doing any actual research anyway. They all scream subliminally "People are dying! We should do something! I know, ban smoking!". The last report had a bunch of executive summaries and bullet points so, I gave up. All of these premonitions of a tobacco-hazed wasteland of corpses disguised as real research favor lazy aggregating, snappy graphics, and pointed fearful statements about death. I never did figure out how they counted which cases of heart disease were caused by cigarettes in say, the Congo. I hear the coroners' reports there are kind of dense.

Yes, smoking is bad for your health. You can tell a person why it's bad, but ultimately it's up to the individual. Don't treat smoking like the spectre of the 14th century Black Plague. The counter argument to that is the costs to our society as a whole.

As it turns out, it actually helps us out. If you read this interview with W. Kip Viscusi, a professor of law and economics at Vanderbilt University, you will get to this question:

What are the differences between smokers' cost to themselves and smokers' cost to society?

The other study I've done is looking at the financial ramifications to smoking for the rest of us. These include higher medical costs on the one hand, but lower social security, pension, and nursing home costs on the other hand because smokers die sooner. On balance if you put those together, smokers don't cost us money, but save society $0.32 per pack.

Smokers die earlier, so it saves us money.

This simple logic makes me question the claim that "(t)obacco's total economic costs reduce national wealth in terms of gross domestic product (GDP) by as much as 3.6 percent." If you look and the abysmal GDP growth rate for the first half of 2009, it is -3.6%. So that would mean:

Production lost in worst recession in 80 years = Production lost from tobacco.

That does seem like it works, does it? It wasn't subprime mortgages, it was cigarettes!

The worst part of this is I don't smoke. I think smoking is bad for your health. I agree with what they are saying. But, I think that when institutions like the American Cancer Society trade on fear and panic, it dims their message. You can inform people, but when your message of health bleeds into a message of behavior control, you have lost your way and my respect.

-K

Quick Hits: August 24th, 2009

• Why the hat Chuck? Why? The Binder and Binder commercial has no references to a Texas lawman, Crocodile Dundee, or frontier justice. But, BAM there it is.

• From Bloomberg, we are all going to be infected with swine flu, well at least half of us. I would be worried, but Swine Flu is still less deadly than pregnancy.



• Next time I'm in NYC, I am not leaving until I am on Cash Cab. I would crush it, no shout outs needed.



• C where is my Megan Wants a Millionaire Murderer Post?

Really MSNBC.com?

On MSNBC's website they posted this picture attached to one of the main stories for August 20th. It seems pretty innocuous until you read the first sentence of the story that goes along with it: Scotland releases the only man ever convicted in the bombing of a Pan Am jet that killed 270 people. The guy was convicted of blowing up a plane and he is walking up a Jetway with a banner that says, "Next time...Relax before you fly". Just relax before the physical manifestation of your worst fear about flying walks aboard the plane and sits next to you. Does anyone else find this hilarious, ironic, horrifying, and fear mongering all at the same time? No, just me? A terrorist is boarding a plane that say relax before you fly. Isn't that something that would be in a Wayans bros. spoof? I think it's great.

-K

Euro States

Have you ever wondered how big European countries are compared to states in the US? No? Well, I was bored. Take that Slovenia!

-K

Steroids

Steroids saved baseball. The homers started flying and everyone was cheering. Mark McGwire turned into a Paul Buynan-level living folk legend right before our eyes. Baseball pariah, Jose Canseco, tells everybody who will (and many who don't want to) listen he and many others were on the juice the whole time. We applauded the thrills and jeered the cheating.

But, the cheating is what we liked. Think about it, these men were willing to negatively affect their health for your entertainment. At this point, you should be pissed if your favorite player didn't do steroids. Roughly the entire league is out their trying to get an edge and Johnny Morals is not going to harm himself for my amusement. Not to mention, the increase in production leads to bigger contracts. So, now you are rude and stupid. In the "loosey-goosey" era of steroids, many (most/all) players were voluntarily injecting themselves with needles to boost their stats by 10-20%. Would you shoot up something that shrinks your balls to be ten percent better at your job? No, no you wouldn't.

-K

Shoelaces

You sell dress shoes do you not Marshalls, Macy's, TJ Maxx, Men's Warehouse? Why the F don't you sell dress shoelaces. Thank you guy at Men's Warehouse who told me to go to CVS. I went there already. The ones they sell in between the condoms and the glue sticks aren't cutting it. That's why I'm coming to you. The dress/casual combo ones at Payless next to the Dora the Explorer sandals weren't going to do the job either (too thick, more casual than dress). Thank you DSW or congratulations on your process-of-elimination victory. They had one kind of brown shoelaces. I could have done without the whole coupon newsletter sales pitch for my $2.50 purchase though. Especially, since I said I already received the coupons in the mail hoping to speed my process only to have to feign being dismayed that they had no record of me under the fake phone number I gave them or my last name. Ah, well.

-K

Help the Homeless

...by putting them out of their collective misery.

Behold the majesty of Poverty Eradication Day. To participate in Poverty Eradication Day, just submit $100 deposit to your local food bank/soup kitchen. You will then receive a voucher, good at the same location, to give to an ambition-challenged substance abuser. This voucher will be good for free meals at the sponsoring food bank for one year. The hope is that those giving to this altruistic event will enable many bums to rid themselves of the daily fear of where to find a meal.

BONUS: If you act now, sponsoring organizations will throw in a gun with one bullet and a job application to hand out the Metro at various T stops throughout the city of Boston. Suggested recipients for Metro applications are the alcoholics who hold the door open for you at 7-11 and CVS. Simply, give them the application and say, "See you can do essentially the same thing and get paid for it." The single chambered-round gun however is only to be used on bums not the homeless. To tell the difference, a real homeless person, probably won't ask you for change, will be past out where he fell from walking around all night looking for a place to sleep, and will have all of his Earthly possessions with him, usually in a shopping cart (for mobility). A bum will look able-bodied, recently shaven, decently dressed, and will have no sense of shame. Also, the homeless move around a lot (probably due to not actually having a home), but bums will be at the same spot all the time asking you for money. It will appear as if they have a place to sleep, food to eat, and the ability to push a broom. Please only shoot these people.

Together, will the help of our communities, we can help eradicate poverty...and finally get these motherf(&%^s to stop asking me for change. We can eradicate poverty with a meal to the stomach or a bullet to the brain. Participate in Poverty Eradication Day today!

-K (founder)

Bear Patrol

Homer: Not a bear in sight. The Bear Patrol must be working like a charm.

Lisa: That's specious reasoning, Dad.

Homer: Thank you, dear.

Lisa: By your logic I could claim that this rock keeps tigers away. [Holds up a rock]

Homer: Oh, how does it work?

Lisa: It doesn't work.

Homer: Uh-huh.

Lisa: It's just a stupid rock.

Homer: Uh-huh.

Lisa: But I don't see any tigers around, do you?

[Homer pauses, then pulls out some money]

Homer: Lisa, I want to buy your rock.

I got my bag checked again and I saw the MBTA Tac Unit again within two days of each other. I know they are just doing their jobs, but do they really think this makes a difference. I asked the woman who swabbed my bag, "Catch any terrorists yet?," which is, admittedly, a dick thing to say, but her response, "Tryin'." Well guess what, you never will because this crap doesn't work. I really wanted to say, "Do you think this does an f'n thing to stop terrorists?", but I wanted to get home more. You don't have to be James Bond to beat the bag check. Send one of the other guys from your cell down the stairs first. Text "Clear" or "Use Red Line side" to the bomb guy. Boom, beaten. Now, your 5-officer homeland security team looks like a bunch of goonish military vets that wanted the best benefits in the country or knew a state rep. (Wait.)

Interestingly, simplistically, and absurdly, you can beat the tac unit the same way. But wait, the tac unit is a "deterrent" to terrorism. Right. Well, to borrow from the Simpsons quote above, my work bag is a deterrent to terrorism as well. The counter argument to that is the tac unit has AR-15s and bomb-sniffing dogs and stuff that can stop terrorists. True, so if they do catch someone, the tac unit is "proven" to be effective, but no terrorist would walk into that (come on terrorists, have some pride, you're supposed to hate Western decadence so much and you walk right into a bloodhound and guns, you're supposed to be the next great video game villains, the Nazis are over 50 years old for crying out loud). Plus, you can't prove that the tac unit is NOT working. But, you also can't prove my work bag is NOT deterring terrorists because you can't prove a negative. Then, 9/11 happens, and the Spanish trains, and the London Subway, and the Indian hotels, and so on and so on. I'm sure the Tube had Transit Police. And Tac Units. What is the answer to these; more tac units? Hey, we can't catch all the terrorists. Neither can my bag.

We can't stop terrorism completely and this freaks us out. This is why we invade countries, carpet bomb capitals that have nothing to do with terrorists, can't wear shoes through security checkpoints, swab bags and have trained law enforcement officers standing around waiting for Mohammed Atta to walk up to them. If someone really wants to blow us up, they can. It sucks and you can try and prevent it, but when we all start freaking out so much that it clouds our minds, inhibits our freedoms and affects our daily lives, that is truly when the terrorists win.

"The price of freedom is eternal vigilance." - Thomas Jefferson

Go arrest some vagrants, MBTA, my bag is watching.

-K

Swine Flu

Millions are infected. Over 700 people have died in the United States alone. The CDC has called for the closing of schools, churches, businesses, and bars to prevent the spread of this pandemic. The Surgeon General's office has called for home testing to catch the early onset symptoms of the disease. They include nausea, vomiting, fever, and fatigue. People are streaming into hospitals around the country.

"It's everywhere. Every day there is a new case. I see it all the time," said registered nurse Sandy Duncan of Brigham and Women's Hospital in Boston.

Fears are rising among families that the disease could strike repeatedly over a number of years as it mutates. It has several preventative measures of both over the counter and prescription strength, yet the disease has still found a way to spread.

"People are just not educated enough on the subject," said local Health teacher Jordon Grevis. "Young people especially need to worry about this disease because it can spread quickly when large groups congregate together frequently."

Religious groups are offering their support through the ordeal. Churches have set up counseling programs to help people afflicted with the disease and to support the families involved. Congress, also recently, is looking into funding prevention medicines and education on the matter. Forty five billion has already been spent this fiscal year on emergency legislation that was rushed through Congress. So far, there has been no progress and people are wondering where the money has gone.

"Do something, do something, people are scared and don't know what to do or who to turn to," local community leader Jamal Chamberly exclaimed to officials present at a quarantine hearing.

Opinions are galvanized on the matter across the country. The disease needs to stop.

You've been hearing a lot of stories like this in the past months. More and more people affected not only in the United States, but globally. But, you actually haven't heard this story because I made it up. The disease is pregnancy. According to the CDC's data for 2006 (Table 10), 760 women have died due to pregnancy in the United States. Swine Flu has killed 700 people in the world. So being pregnant is more dangerous than the F'N Swine Flu. So, can we all chill with the surgical masks and non-stop pumping on the Purell bottle. Humans are terrible assessors of risk as witnessed by the irrational behavior associated with Bird Flu, Mad Cow disease, Foot and Mouth disease, West Nile virus, SARS, African Killer Bees, subprime mortgages, Iraq, domestic automobile industries, hoping people will listen to reason, etc. Enough with the Swine Flu.

-K

National Treasure 2

Warning: Contains sentence fragments and you might not get it unless you watch National Treasure: Book of Secrets.



What can draw me out of a 2 and a half week hiatus?, Nic Cage of course. I watched National Treasure: Book of Secrets or National Treasure 2 as Starz On Demand named it. Why did I do this? As Sir Edmund Hillary put it when asked why he climbed Mount Everest, "because it's there." I want to try and give a chronological synopsis of the sheer ridiculousness that is NTBS, but there is just so much flying at you it might get garbled.

First off, I'm not a hater, I am fully willing to sit back and be entertained by an action movie and just buy in. I OWN Steven Segal movies. I will go along with some crazy conspiracy theory plot line. I've read all of Dan Brown's and Michael Crichton's stuff. I will buy in, I promise you. BUT, complete random lunacy is where I stop. NTBS does not fail in this regard.

Spoiler Alert: They find the treasure and everyone falls in love along the way. It's actually not a spoiler alert, I got that much from the Disney production label. Of course, the first time we see Nic Cage, playing Professor Ben Gates, he says he was thrown out of his house by his girlfriend. Let's see if those two crazy kids go on a little adventure and fall (back) in love along the way.

It starts with Ben Gates' sidekick saying, "Do you know how much $5 million costs in taxes, $6 million." Yeah, and that was before the Healthcare bill (oooohhhh). Ben got kicked out by the same chick from the first movie and her German accent is noticeably lessened, but still there. Now, why the F you would get an actress with a German accent to play the head curator of the National Museum of American History, I have no idea. Shouldn't that be, you know, an American. Now, she works at the Library of Congress as the head of Document Preservation. Where else would a German be at home other than being surrounded by great American works of literature?

Snide Remarks does a good job of skewering this plot, so I'll try not to overlap, but let me reiterate the plot line. Ben and Dad, played by Jon Voight, get sucked in to this adventure because some dude besmirched his great grandfather's name and now he has to clear it and the only way to do it is by finding a city of gold. See how linear that is. They figure out a coded message, go to Paris to see the other Statue of Liberty and find an inscription and then it's off to Buckingham Palace.

The sidekick hacks into Buckingham Palace using circuitry he snuck in an Ipod and a Blackberry. I have no real complaint here, at least it's better than the old school Batcave computers that gave you a printout after some knobs were turned and lights blinked arbitrarily. The only thing is the graphical interface that every movie and TV show has. This is enough for a whole separate post really, but doesn't anyone use Windows?

Nic Cage and the German girl proceed to break into probably two of the more secure places in the world, Buckingham Palace and the White House. All they have to do is ride in a dumb waiter and ask the guy who's trying to bang German girl to get them into the Oval Office like it's getting backstage at a U2 concert.

Nic Cage then ups the anty to get some one on one face time with the President. He turns into a super historian/Navy SEAL as he infiltrates the President's birthday party. Ben dons some scuba gear and then slips past the Secret Service with a "hey, howya doing" and walks right up to the Prez and engages him in conversation. He shows the Prez a sketch of Mt. Vernon with a secret passage drawn by George Washington and entices him to go check it out. How? Because the Prez was a "Historical Architecture" major at Yale (duh). He gets the Prez to tell him about the Book of Secrets and then heads to the Library of Congress to get it. Ben arrives all the while evading bumbling Secret Service and federal agents and driving over the slowest rising car barriers I have ever seen. Hasn't the writer seen the History Channel were the show a semi trying to slam into an embassy or something; those things shoot up.

It is at this point or some point prior, or after, that Professor Gates tells the story of some ship that shipwrecked in Florida and how there were only 4 survivors. One of them was a slave who saved the local chief's life and, as a reward, they took him to see their city of gold. He came back years later and couldn't find it. Remember this part because there is a good reason he couldn't find it.

The gang figures out that they have to go to Mount Rushmore and come to the realization that the monument was a cover up. They wanted to destroy the clues that led to the city of gold. As lifeandtimesofthestrange author Bobby Roberts put it, "Why would they cover it up?" To keep it for themselves? Then, why didn't they take the gold? To keep it hidden? Then why build a F'N monument on top of it? There is no reason. The gang stops at an arbitrary spot on Mount Rushmore and starts looking for this eagle symbol they need to find, which they of course do. In one minute. On top of a mountain. Randomly. The writers didn't even throw in the "it should be right here" line that would've helped and NOT been lazy filmmaking.

They find the secret passage which leads to the climax of the story, finding the city of gold and then escaping. This also coincides, probably not ironically, with the climax of plot holes in the story. The Drain. What makes this point so excruciating is that they explain it in the movie. The gang needs to find a way out, but there is water cascading all around the city of gold. Then, Ben explains that there has to be a drain because the room would have filled up. There has to be a drain! They get the water to stop momentarily and Dad drops a dollar in the water proclaiming, "there's a current...it's right under us." The gang heads down to the the drain area where they discover that there is a door they need someone to open so they can all get through it, but close it behind them because the shaft floods with water when it's left open. THEN HOW THE F IS THAT THE DRAIN?!? It's obviously not the place where the water is draining to. Find the real drain and take that. When the door is closed no water gets in, it cannot be the drain. So, who do they choose to leave behind Ed Harris.

(Oh, right. Okay so Ed Harris plays the villain Wilkeson who wants to find the city of gold to make a name for the Wilkesons or something like that. Why?, we have no idea. I have a theory that Wilkeson is somehow related to John Wilkes Booth, but they don't explain that either. Anyway, he chases Ben Gates and company all over the globe with guns and switches from holding a knife to German girl's throat to giving himself up to hold the door open and save the gang. This happens in a span of 1 minute.)

The gang escapes and the Gates name is cleared.

Wait, what?

How does finding the city of gold clear his name and not him trying to burn coded pages to keep the South from finding the gold? Oh, and I know why the slave couldn't find the city again. BECAUSE IT WAS IN SOUTH DAKOTA. The slave was shipwrecked in Florida and the local Indians had a lost city of gold in South Dakota?!? That doesn't make any F'N sense. A 16th century regional tribe of Seminoles had a lost city of gold in the Black Hills of South Dakota. Jacksonville, FL to Mount Rushmore, SD is 1874 miles.

Ah well, at least I'll have some more material when they make National Treasure 3 about whatever was on page 47 in that damn book.

-K

Man in the Mirror

What did in the King of Pop? The same thing that brings every good man down, women. If you don't believe me take a closer look at two of MJ's deeper songs, Billie Jean and Dirty Diana.

She Was More Like A Beauty Queen From A Movie Scene
I Said Don't Mind, But What Do You Mean I Am The One
She Told Me Her Name Was Billie Jean, As She Caused A Scene
Then Every Head Turned With Eyes That Dreamed Of Being The One

A hot girl approaches MJ and he thinks wow see wants me. She calls him "the one" and causes a scene; huge red flag that she has a deep level psychosis (read: crazy).

People Always Told Me Be Careful Of What You Do
And Don't Go Around Breaking Young Girls' Hearts
And Mother Always Told Me Be Careful Of Who You Love
And Be Careful Of What You Do 'Cause The Lie Becomes The Truth

People (my guess is Jermaine) told him to take it easy on the ladies, they'll mess with you. Mrs. Jackson being the sage that she is warned MJ about girls pulling the "he hit me" card.

Billie Jean Is Not My Lover
She's Just A Girl Who Claims That I Am The One
But The Kid Is Not My Son
She Says I Am The One,
But The Kid Is Not My Son

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, yeah I banged her, but I wrapped it up. This bitch is crazy. There is no way that kid is mine. Once again, not mine, I will go on Maury, I swear NOT MINE."

For Forty Days And Forty Nights
The Law Was On Her Side
But Who Can Stand When She's In Demand
Her Schemes And Plans
'Cause We Danced On The Floor In The Round
So Take My Strong Advice,
Just Remember To Always Think Twice(Do Think Twice)

MJ caught a paternity suit. Michael can't stomach this because she's out running the same game on other poor unsuspecting saps. He hopes other people realize this and are equally repulsed. Then he gives us a, "hey fellas, watch out for the crazy girls, seriously."

She Told My Baby That's A Threat As She Looked At Me
Then Showed A Photo Of A Baby Cries
Eyes Would Like Mine
Go On Dance On The Floor In The Round, Baby
People Always Told Me Be Careful Of What You Do
And Don't Go Around Breaking Young Girls' Hearts
She Came And Stood Right By Me
Then The Smell Of Sweet Perfume
This Happened Much Too Soon
She Called Me To Her Room

This chick is up in MJ's face with a picture of the kid and everything. "Look at him, Michael, look at him." The Maury security team needs to separate them. Then, she tries trapping him again. This chick can amp up the crazy. A video vixen has entrapped the callow young MJ. A sad cautionary tale which has given the King a genuine distrust of the female gender. It is no surprise he now looks at groupies the same way you look at a streetwalker with a crack problem.

You'll never make me stay
so take your weight off of me
I know your every move
so won't you just let me be
I've been here times before
but I was too blind to see
That you seduce every man
this time you won't seduce me

"Ah ha bitch, Billie Jean already burned me. I know how this works. I see your kind all the time. Get away from me you Harpy."

She's saying that's okay
hey baby do what you please
I have the stuff that you want
I am the thing that you need
She looked me deep in the eyes
she's touchin' me so to start
She says there's no turning back
she trapped me in her heart

Diana is putting on the hard sell on like a Taiwanese hooker.

She likes the boys in the band
she knows when they come to town
Every musician's fan after the curtain comes down
She waits at backstage doors for those who have prestige
Who promise fortune and fame
a life that's so carefree
She's saying that's okay
hey baby do what you want
I'll be your night loving thing
I'll be the freak you can taunt.
And I don't care what you say
I want to go too far
I'll be your everything if you make me a star!

Oddly, this is also the plea of every Rock of Love contestant.

So, as you can see, Michael got burned by Billie Jean and by the time Diana came around, she was just dirty. MJ had enough of the groupies. It makes sense because he was around them his whole life. He OD'd on the one-nighters and heard the Siren song one too many times. Once he turned on the carnal pleasures of life all he had left was a Peter Pan complex and a pile of cash. Thus, turning MJ into an androgynous plastic-surgery-addicted boy-toucher. A legend taken down by a woman; not the first time, not the last. RIP MJ.

-K

Perez Hilton

Mario, you deserved it. I'm sorry. C is telling me I'm blaming the victim, but you cannot run your mouth for that long and expect nothing to happen. This is not the same heinous act that happened to Matthew Stafford. This is not a hate crime. I'll tell you why. When two guys are about to throw down, 9 times out of 10, the first line is usually, "Yeah? F--- you [bundle of sticks]," whether the guy is actually gay or not. Gay rights groups are going to screw this up. What they should say is that, gay or not, as a man, Mario took his beating. You know, equality. Don't cry gay, you will set Lady Gaga lovers back.

Shaw's and Taylor Swift

Alright, we are back at Random Tandem, well, at least I am. After a long, CFA-induced coma, the posts will be coming back. So, be ready, our zero readers. I have a good excuse, but when I asked C to post, she would just say, "when do I have time?" and go back to watching Daisy of Love reruns. What do you get for your monk-like patience, banal humor bonus double post!

Here we go. Why are there never enough lanes open at the supermarket? I have been to the grocery store under all kinds of circumstances: after work, weekend, daytime, nighttime, in my sweatpants wearing my iPod, around the holidays when the manager has to direct people and looks like he wants to kill himself. Never, I repeat never, even during the previously mentioned close-to-pre-hurricane-level traffic at Shaw's has there been enough lanes open to accommodate a speedy checkout. I know there is a science to queueing and you don't want to pay idle employees, but for the love of Christ, I wouldn't have to sit behind the woman with the velour suit and food stamps card if you opened the express lane.

Shaw's also has some kind of shot clock when it comes baggers. I am lucky to get my items half-bagged before the person jumps to another aisle or is just so slow, I have to jump in. This half-bagging is usually a combo of the bagger continuing the conversation they have been having with the cashier over the course of the day, checking their sidekick, dreaming of ripping off their polo and lighting it on fire, more talking, and being an octogenarian. Plus, there are usually only 2 of them and only one of them gives a crap and it's not the one you got bagging your laundry detergent on top of your bread. I think the baggers don't try because the next promotion for them is the deli counter which is usually stocked exclusively with functioning retards (really deserves its own post).

P.S. If you are the poor CSR from Shaw's that has to run down all of the Google Alerts about Shaw's, don't worry no one reads this thing. And, keep your chin up, your marketing degree was not a total waste. Oh, and bring back 10 for 10 Gatorades and Hot Pockets. Thanks.

My bonus post is really only a question. Why doesn't Taylor Swift smile? Every picture she's in, she pouts or shows her teeth which is different from smiling. Seriously, type her name into Google, click on images, and see if you can find a picture of her with a real smile. I'm sorry, but the pouty lips/half smile in every picture just screams uppity bitch.

-K, the one man wolfpack

Nick Swisher

It's been a while, but I had to chime in on this stat line:

.458 BA, 4 HR, 1.208 SLG

1.0 IP, 2.00 WHIP, 0.00

I had to ask myself, "Is Nick Swisher the real life Steve Nebraska from The Scout?" He is crushing balls like a NOW executive and blowing away people on the mound as well. Swish is the ultimate force in baseball, feared at the plated and cowered away from on the hill. I'm not saying the Swish is throwing 120 like Encino Man or hitting 600 foot bombs, but the guy is single-handedly keeping the Yankees alive right now. Jeter was 1-20 going into the 4/14 game against the D-Rays (and yes they are still and always will be the D-Rays to me). Teixeira has auto-erotic inflammation, Chien-Ming Wang can't get out of the 3rd inning, A-Rod is thinking of more things that people think about him, essentially paralyzing him, so the Swish says F-it, I'm putting this team on my back. Swish's agent definitely messed up on this one. Back when CC was all the talk of the Yankees off-season and sounded about as excited to come to New York as a Reserve who got stop-lossed back to Iraq, he should have had the Swish on exhibition. His agent has got to have him out there lighting up radar guns and then crushing balls over the darkened fence of a empty major league park. All he would have had to do was assemble all of the GMs in baseball in one spot to do a secret bid based on a single workout by a talent that no one has ever heard of. This must have been what happened with at least half of the Dominican players right? All you really need is Theo Epstien. I'm sure his bid would have looked like this:

50 million, no
51 million, no
51.1 million, no
1 billion dollars

Seriously though, my favorite part was that Swish hadn't pitched since he was a freshman in high school, but he still got one strikeout. Gabe Kapler must be getting some much crap for that. Your 8-games-in MVP, Nick Swisher.

-K

Bag Check

The Transit Police were doing random bag searches at Downtown Crossing Friday. They seem like nice enough guys. But, I think if I made over $100,000 working for a bloated, debt-laden, too-big-to-fail "independent" Transportation Board, I'd be pretty happy too. Anyway, I have had to have my bag checked twice. They take a swab, wipe it down the side of your bag and put it in a GE portable gas chromatograph, which probably cost 80 grand (you have to love the T's dedication to fiscal responsibility and knee-jerk terrorism responses). My question is: Does this really do anything?


The answer is no. If I was a terrorist, I could blow up the T if I really wanted to. These random screenings will do nothing. Your anti-terrorism plan has flaws if it could be thwarted by taking the Orange line instead of the Red line. You don't need to be a terrorist to want to blow up the T either. All you have to do is watch 3 full Red line trains pull in to Downtown Crossing before giving up and walking to South Station to get a cab to take you to where the 20 minute T ride was supposed to for a fraction of the cost. Or ride the Green line once. Seriously MBTA, I'm sure the Red Sox would supply with a schedule of their home games. On those home games, many people use the Park St. station to take the Green line to Fenway. To get there on time for say a 7:00 game, people start getting on the T at 5:30, coinciding with the rush hour commute of three quarters of the city. Maybe a two street car C line every 10 minutes is not going to cut it.

What the hell do the Transit Police do anyway? I saw two of them take a bum off of the T once, but that is about it. Most of the violence on the T, occurs you know, on the T. So, why are the Transit Police always above ground. Maybe if you pared down on the Beruit level tactical unit, you could prevent the once a month robberies and twice a year shootings on the Orange line. Or, at least tell the guy who lit up the incense on the T that one time to put it out.

In essence, the Transit Police are engaging in what some security experts call "security theater". Everyone has a knee jerk reaction to big shocking events and then they say, "do something" to government because they feel helpless. So, the MBTA Police, goes "OK, fine, we'll buy this $80,000 machine, so you feel safe," even though it does nothing. You play along because it only takes 10 seconds and that machine sure looks like a expensive terrorism catcher. You could make a civil liberties, 4th amendment argument, if you really wanted to be a dick about it. Meanwhile, the reason you might have to pay yet another fare hike is because this Transit cop didn't score high enough on the Sergeant's test for the BPD, so he took this job and some bureaucrat thought it was a good idea to guarantee him 100% of his salary in a pension payment for the rest of his life. The Transit cops do seem like good, decent people, but you want me to pay the second fare hike in 5 years after 30 years of zero fare hikes (exaggerated) for no increase in service because the MBTA can't cover you ludicrous benefits package. Um, NO.

It's not just the Transit cops either. Why do you think every T is driven by a person who they would decline at McDonald's? Benefits. Pensions. Unions. I could keep going on the T because I take this physical representation of horrible government monopolism (might not be a word) everyday. But, hey, if you want to keep going on with this farce instead of doing stuff that would fix actual problems, then go ahead, check my bag. I need to get home.

-K

Free Bagels

I have had to suffer through enough orientations and training sessions to realize the power of free food. I am fully convinced you could hold a Hitler Youth rally if you told people there would be pizza. It is really amazing how people, myself included, will line up for a painfully awkward gathering of fellow faceless white collar slaves to say his/her name, what group they are in and one interesting fact about themselves for the bagels promised at the end. I always feel bad for the rookie H.R. person who gives out the food first. You have just lost your entire audience. What's that? Now, you are going to go into to your presentation on Daily Methodologies for Fund Class Calculations. Sorry, checked out. I remember going to the banquet at the end of Biddy Basketball one year and it was a buffet of fast food (McDonald's, Taco Bell, KFC). Heaven. There is no greater bait for the homo sapien than free food, even if it is crap. So, next time you need people to show up for something, just promise food, but if it's free Grand Slams at Denny's it might not be the cross-section of people you were hoping for.

-K

The Old Woman Who Lived In a Shoe… 2009 Edition

Now, for those of you that are followers of Random Tandem (what up, L. Woods!), consider yourself warned that the below post is unusually serious for me, C. Please know that I will try to write about important issues like celebrity gossip (can you believe Chris Brown assaulted Rihanna!?!?) and Rock of Love Bus (can you believe Brett had Ashley sleep over in his bus, and that he told those girls they transformed from regular people to skanks stay on tour!? Crazy!), but I’ve been reading a lot about that crazy lady with 14 children, and I thought that the world (aka you) was probably dying for my opinion on the matter. Well, today is your lucky day… Plus, Gossip Girl was a repeat last night.

Have you ever babysat like more than 4 kids? It’s utter chaos. Now add ten more and imagine that you’ve got these kids all hopped up on pixie sticks and soda and you can’t leave them with someone else and go home. Oh, wait, that’s right… I don’t think you can buy Pixie Sticks or Soda on food stamps. So, maybe Ms. Nadya Suleman is in the clear. Because raising 14 children can’t be that hard, right? Especially if you love them… right?

Nadya Suleman keeps saying that she loves children and she loves her children. But, if she really loved her children would she bring them into a world when she could not possible afford to provide them with the kind of life they deserve? They didn’t ask to be born into and live in these kind of conditions: http://www.radaronline.com/photos/2009/02/nadya_suleman_octuplet_mom.php
Please don’t get me wrong: I’m not saying you need to be rich to have children, but you need to be able to provide for them (both financially and emotionally) and she clearly cannot do that on student loans (but, she can afford a publicist?). Nor can one person possibly provide enough attention and support that each child requires, especially in their developmental years. The point I’m trying to make is that if Nadya Suleman really loved her children, she would have put her desire to have children to the wayside for a bit and waited until she was financially stable and secure before bringing any children into this world, let alone 14. Why didn’t she want to save the money used for her most recent in vitro fertilization to provide for her other 6 children? One would think... but this is why Nadya Suleman is not a good mother. She continues to put her needs before those of her children. The fact that Child Services hasn’t taken these children away from her is appalling to me (maybe they’re impacted by the new forced furloughs in Cali?). She cannot provide for them on any level… financially or emotionally. She has a very childish view of love: that if you say it it’s enough… it’s not enough. I’m not saying I have all of the answers about love, I’m young and have a lot of growing and learning left to do, I’m just saying real love is selfless. Real love is when you put your needs on the back burner to make sure that the person/people/children you love are as happy as they possibly can be… now, that being said, does Nadya Suleman really love her children? Or do you think that maybe all of the couples that desperately try to have just one child and can’t, maybe would love her children more? Just some food for thought…

-C

A-Rod PR Genius

A-Rod admitted to Peter Gammons that he did steroids. Well he admitted that he was naive and that he did a lot of shopping at GNC and he really hates Selena Roberts or something like that. Regardless, this is the best move for him. He admits it, says he's sorry, answers a few other questions, and then moves on. I don't know why more players don't do this if you are getting chased by the media, camera-preening politicians, or Selena Roberts. Look at Andy Pettite. I've totally forgotten about the HGH stuff. All I can remember is how he screwed himself out of 5 million dollars this offseason. Look at Jason Giambi. He kind of half apologized for nothing in particular, now the Yankees are just glad to have him off of the payroll. But, then you look at Mark "Drugs are bad, um-K" McGwire, Sammy "No Ingles" Sosa, and Barry "Pedro Gomez has a stool sample of mine" Bonds and people just will not get over it.

This sanctity of the game argument is bogus as well. People don't care if you tried to better yourself illegally, just don't mess up their three team parlay by bribing people or throwing games. All of this "black spot" nonsense is stupid. I'm in the Jason Whitlock camp of sports as entertainment. People who enjoy sports want to see teams competing at their best. If players are juicing themselves up to entertain you, don't you think it's a little ridiculous to get mad about it. Hey, that Selena Roberts really is to blame anyway. There is a least one journalist that is writing an A-Rod article right now and then blowing some lines off of a toilet Jamal Anderson style.

Ultimately, people hate lying. They will hunt you like Ice Tea in Surviving the Game if there is pretty clear evidence you are lying. Their goal is to get you to admit it, after you do, there is nothing left except maybe jail time. Now, A-Rod admitted it, he said he's sorry, there will be a big spike in sanctimonious blowhardness about how he is a cheater, a liar, a robber baron, Justice League supervillian, and then people will get back to bitching about how he collapses in the playoffs. Roid users should follow A-rod's lead. After all, he probably has a better, more expensive PR team than you anyway. C could probably elucidate how good of a PR job that was.

Side note: A-Rod, how often do you go to GNC? Christ, it seemed like he was their supplements buyer. Selena Roberts, you just made A-Rod's list. ("Right, Peter, but Selena Roberts is a psycho muck-raker."). What is with the puckered lips for half of the interview?

-K

Playing Soccer

I was at a work party with C recently and, after standing in the kitchen eating some appetizers, I said this to her: "The hosts seem like nice people, but her kids definitely play soccer." Here's how I knew:

They fit the soccer player parent demographic perfectly. The hosts were a rich white couple (not Cribs rich, but the kind of rich that makes them refer to themselves as upper middle class even though their combined income puts them in the top 5% of taxpayers.) They also had a clean house and not just “cleaned up before guests arrive” clean, like “not lived-in” clean. The combination of these two things, to me, implies that they would never let their little Dylan or Madison play in a contact sport where their feelings, nevermind their bodies, could be hurt. Hence, soccer is the perfect egalitarian everyone just run around and have fun weak ass sport for their spoiled white kids. Now, American soccer is different from European football where there are elite leagues, training, and discipline. American soccer is mainly played by privileged white kids and South American kids who are waaay better. The parents who have kids that play soccer aren’t bad people; they just insulate their kids to a point where they cannot face any hardships on their own. So, being the over-protective hoverers that they are, they would never think to let little Julian play football, where the coach might yell at them and they might get hurt or they wouldn’t get to play as much as a kid who is better than them. These kind of parents ruin everything because they petition the league commissioner any time a coach has a curt word for their kid or any modicum of discipline is applied to their “precious” or there is one little hazing death. Every parent wants to protect their child, but isn’t the greatest accomplishment a parent could have seeing their child succeed in the real world on their own using what they taught little (insert trendy non-Biblical child name)?

As I see it, when you refer to a white kid as someone who “plays soccer”, you are basically saying he is white, sheltered, slightly out-of-touch with anything that goes on with households earning under $250,000. Again, soccer-player parents aren’t bad people, they are caring, involved, and protective, but to a fault. There are worse things to be I guess (e.g. uninvolved parents, whole other post), but ease up a little. Expose your kids to discipline, competition, life in general because yeah, Kaddy might get into Brown, but she is going to do more LSD than Hunter S. Thompson.

Please note that if this post comes off as macho in a “my kid can kick your kid’s ass” kind of way, it is not meant like that. I find the macho parents to be much worse and often think their standard response to everything of “beat ‘em up” is aggressively ignorant. They tend to force their kids into macho things to toughen them up only leading them to grow up to be quick-tempered angry boors who talk in strictly blue collar clichés…and start the cycle all over again. There are extremes on both ends, but finding a medium approach leads to well-adjusted independent productive members of society like myself. This is also not a putdown of soccer. I played a year of soccer growing up and later football. Soccer just seems to be the sport of choice for the “Lilies”. While soccer may have its better qualities, there is nothing more eye-opening and maturing than your football coach questioning your sexuality after a half-hearted block attempt.

-K

Quick Hits: Jan. 27, 2009

Cardinals money line, +210 Lock it up!

The Last Templar, I tuned in, but you lost me with the cell phone usage just like 24. There are no cell towers in the middle of the desert! Get it together producers. Just because your Blackberry is biomorphed to your ear and your using Sedona for the Sahara doesn't mean you can get bars anywhere.

Boston, third snowstorm in three weeks tomorrow. Love it. Did you know that the number of inches of snow is perfectly correlated with the number of Southie tire slashings/window breakings/murders (post-Whitey)?

Jessica Simpson, what happened? You went from hot big-time singer/actress to flabby chili cookoff headliner. If you see a guy in cowboy boots and a cowboy hat with a clock on it, you know what that means. Time for Chili.

You 'Kin Do It ...

This morning I was a few minutes early, had passed my manager on the highway, and the cup of coffee I brewed at home was cold and unsatisfactory, so I decided that I would treat myself and go to Dunkins to grab a cup of hot coffee. Like the rest of America, I, too, run on Dunkin and knew I’d need a little of that “‘Kin Do” attitude that is complimentary with each cup of their coffee to get through the day.

Now, the Dunkins near my office is not exactly the best, their staff must not be coffee drinkers because I find that they can sometimes lack that “ ‘Kin Do” attitude, but the coffee is hot, they can follow directions, and the coffee doesn’t taste like cigarettes (you know what I mean, when you’re really looking forward to a hot cup of coffee and it’s burnt. Gross.). So, I head into the local Dunkins, the line is only four people deep, but with two registers that shouldn’t take more than a minute and a half, max. I decide to commit… They’ve already cleared through the two patrons that were at the counter when I walked in and now the line is moving nicely. That’s when I spotted it…

A specimen only indigenous to the North Shore of Boston: the Cougar Masshole and her cub. I knew it as soon as I heard her thick accent obnoxiously cooing to her cub combined with the uniform of faux Juicy velour tucked into her folded over Ugg boots. Now, the coug is not the focal point this post, but rather her young cub all bundled up, anxiously awaiting the treat disguised as breakfast that he was about to be bestowed: a donut. You could see by his little dance in line that he was thrilled at the prospect of having a donut for breakfast. Now the fun was about to begin… I’ve seen it hundreds of times before. Cougar and cub get to the front of the line, she orders her coffee and a chocolate milk for the cub (what a decadent morning he was having), and then asks cub, “what kind of donut would you like?” Lady, the kid is 4 years old! He is beyond excited to have a donut, why would you put his little brain into overdrive like this?! That’s just cruel. First, he wanted jelly, then glazed, then chocolate, and so the process went on. Obviously, he couldn’t decide that the donut he had just asked for wasn’t what he wanted until the attendant picked it up, and nearly had it in the bag. This went on for quite some time, with Cougar chirping in his ear how about this kind? What about a bagel? Oh, honey, I don’t think you’ll like that one… And on it went. Of course the man at the other register was ordering 57 coffees for him and every other construction worker in the greater Boston-metro area. So there I stood, patiently waiting for my caffeinated goodness, for what felt like an hour, while cougar and cub went back and forth on what kind of donut to have. Obviously, she couldn’t have asked him in line what he wanted, nor could she just order him a chocolate frosted donut with jimmies – a favorite among young cubs everywhere. As I waited, it seemed as though the lack of caffeine and a severe case of the Mondays swept over everyone in the place… this cougar had worn our patience thin. She was beginning to notice, but didn’t care, in true North Shore Cougar fashion. Needless to say, what was scheduled to be a two-minute venture turned into a 10-minute ordeal. I’m sure K is hoping it’s the nudge I needed to kick my caffeine habit, but I think instead it was the comic relief and caffeine buzz that are getting me through the day. Oh, and a new episode of Gossip Girl helps, too.

-C

Open Letter to Brett Michaels

Dear Brett Michaels,

I get that you're looking for love... I mean at the end of the day, aren't we all? I mean and it's not like you need to recruit the Millionaire Matchmaker because you know exactly what you want in a woman: easy, hot (by your loose definition of such, which can easily be eclisped if the first requirement is met), bat-shit crazy, and carrying serious emotional baggage, preferably "Daddy Issues." That is why on Rock of Love, Rock of Love II, and Rock of Love Bus the exceptional casting agents at VH1 have found you a bevy of ex-strippers, former porn "stars," white trash, groupies, gold-diggers, and a few minorities for good measure, all for your choosing. I mean I'm sure looking for love and just living on the road is tough... that's probably why you opt for that lovely white-girl weave, a la Kim from the Real Housewives of Atlanta, you've been rocking for the last decade. I'm sure all the different water is murder on your real hair. So, why not make it easier on yourself and make sure that your potential mates are all your "type?!" It just makes sense... If I were in your shoes, I'd do the same thing - it eliminates all the initial hard work of finding "the one."

But, Brett, what I want to know, is do you ever think to yourself "enough is enough?!" I mean yeah, these girls are DTF, but don't you want a woman you can take home to meet your mom? Or your kids? Or that wears something more than lingerie in to the grocery store? Brett, I love your show and I think that you and all of the ladies carefully selected to join the Rock of Love cast deserve to find love, but I am beginning to think that you're just carrying on this charade so you can sleep with girls that were born in the early years of your Poison career. I mean as dictated by the Wrestler, pretty much the last thing you want to be (aside from a has-been wrestler) is a has-been stripper, so I'm assuming that's probably the last thing you'd want to sleep with, too. And as your groupie base ages, I get that you want to still feel young. But, I am beginning to think that you're not looking for LOVE! I am getting the impression that you're just looking to sleep with girls and not develop the emotinal relationship required to actually be in "love." Please reassure me next week that this isn't the case - that you are really looking for love. And if you're not looking for love, please consider this: maybe enough is enough. Even Flavor Flav knows when to fold 'em...

Thanks,

C

PS. Don't you think it's a little hypocritical for you to criticize Beverly for making out with one of your band members when you're making out with everyone there?! Just my two cents...