National Treasure 2

Warning: Contains sentence fragments and you might not get it unless you watch National Treasure: Book of Secrets.



What can draw me out of a 2 and a half week hiatus?, Nic Cage of course. I watched National Treasure: Book of Secrets or National Treasure 2 as Starz On Demand named it. Why did I do this? As Sir Edmund Hillary put it when asked why he climbed Mount Everest, "because it's there." I want to try and give a chronological synopsis of the sheer ridiculousness that is NTBS, but there is just so much flying at you it might get garbled.

First off, I'm not a hater, I am fully willing to sit back and be entertained by an action movie and just buy in. I OWN Steven Segal movies. I will go along with some crazy conspiracy theory plot line. I've read all of Dan Brown's and Michael Crichton's stuff. I will buy in, I promise you. BUT, complete random lunacy is where I stop. NTBS does not fail in this regard.

Spoiler Alert: They find the treasure and everyone falls in love along the way. It's actually not a spoiler alert, I got that much from the Disney production label. Of course, the first time we see Nic Cage, playing Professor Ben Gates, he says he was thrown out of his house by his girlfriend. Let's see if those two crazy kids go on a little adventure and fall (back) in love along the way.

It starts with Ben Gates' sidekick saying, "Do you know how much $5 million costs in taxes, $6 million." Yeah, and that was before the Healthcare bill (oooohhhh). Ben got kicked out by the same chick from the first movie and her German accent is noticeably lessened, but still there. Now, why the F you would get an actress with a German accent to play the head curator of the National Museum of American History, I have no idea. Shouldn't that be, you know, an American. Now, she works at the Library of Congress as the head of Document Preservation. Where else would a German be at home other than being surrounded by great American works of literature?

Snide Remarks does a good job of skewering this plot, so I'll try not to overlap, but let me reiterate the plot line. Ben and Dad, played by Jon Voight, get sucked in to this adventure because some dude besmirched his great grandfather's name and now he has to clear it and the only way to do it is by finding a city of gold. See how linear that is. They figure out a coded message, go to Paris to see the other Statue of Liberty and find an inscription and then it's off to Buckingham Palace.

The sidekick hacks into Buckingham Palace using circuitry he snuck in an Ipod and a Blackberry. I have no real complaint here, at least it's better than the old school Batcave computers that gave you a printout after some knobs were turned and lights blinked arbitrarily. The only thing is the graphical interface that every movie and TV show has. This is enough for a whole separate post really, but doesn't anyone use Windows?

Nic Cage and the German girl proceed to break into probably two of the more secure places in the world, Buckingham Palace and the White House. All they have to do is ride in a dumb waiter and ask the guy who's trying to bang German girl to get them into the Oval Office like it's getting backstage at a U2 concert.

Nic Cage then ups the anty to get some one on one face time with the President. He turns into a super historian/Navy SEAL as he infiltrates the President's birthday party. Ben dons some scuba gear and then slips past the Secret Service with a "hey, howya doing" and walks right up to the Prez and engages him in conversation. He shows the Prez a sketch of Mt. Vernon with a secret passage drawn by George Washington and entices him to go check it out. How? Because the Prez was a "Historical Architecture" major at Yale (duh). He gets the Prez to tell him about the Book of Secrets and then heads to the Library of Congress to get it. Ben arrives all the while evading bumbling Secret Service and federal agents and driving over the slowest rising car barriers I have ever seen. Hasn't the writer seen the History Channel were the show a semi trying to slam into an embassy or something; those things shoot up.

It is at this point or some point prior, or after, that Professor Gates tells the story of some ship that shipwrecked in Florida and how there were only 4 survivors. One of them was a slave who saved the local chief's life and, as a reward, they took him to see their city of gold. He came back years later and couldn't find it. Remember this part because there is a good reason he couldn't find it.

The gang figures out that they have to go to Mount Rushmore and come to the realization that the monument was a cover up. They wanted to destroy the clues that led to the city of gold. As lifeandtimesofthestrange author Bobby Roberts put it, "Why would they cover it up?" To keep it for themselves? Then, why didn't they take the gold? To keep it hidden? Then why build a F'N monument on top of it? There is no reason. The gang stops at an arbitrary spot on Mount Rushmore and starts looking for this eagle symbol they need to find, which they of course do. In one minute. On top of a mountain. Randomly. The writers didn't even throw in the "it should be right here" line that would've helped and NOT been lazy filmmaking.

They find the secret passage which leads to the climax of the story, finding the city of gold and then escaping. This also coincides, probably not ironically, with the climax of plot holes in the story. The Drain. What makes this point so excruciating is that they explain it in the movie. The gang needs to find a way out, but there is water cascading all around the city of gold. Then, Ben explains that there has to be a drain because the room would have filled up. There has to be a drain! They get the water to stop momentarily and Dad drops a dollar in the water proclaiming, "there's a current...it's right under us." The gang heads down to the the drain area where they discover that there is a door they need someone to open so they can all get through it, but close it behind them because the shaft floods with water when it's left open. THEN HOW THE F IS THAT THE DRAIN?!? It's obviously not the place where the water is draining to. Find the real drain and take that. When the door is closed no water gets in, it cannot be the drain. So, who do they choose to leave behind Ed Harris.

(Oh, right. Okay so Ed Harris plays the villain Wilkeson who wants to find the city of gold to make a name for the Wilkesons or something like that. Why?, we have no idea. I have a theory that Wilkeson is somehow related to John Wilkes Booth, but they don't explain that either. Anyway, he chases Ben Gates and company all over the globe with guns and switches from holding a knife to German girl's throat to giving himself up to hold the door open and save the gang. This happens in a span of 1 minute.)

The gang escapes and the Gates name is cleared.

Wait, what?

How does finding the city of gold clear his name and not him trying to burn coded pages to keep the South from finding the gold? Oh, and I know why the slave couldn't find the city again. BECAUSE IT WAS IN SOUTH DAKOTA. The slave was shipwrecked in Florida and the local Indians had a lost city of gold in South Dakota?!? That doesn't make any F'N sense. A 16th century regional tribe of Seminoles had a lost city of gold in the Black Hills of South Dakota. Jacksonville, FL to Mount Rushmore, SD is 1874 miles.

Ah well, at least I'll have some more material when they make National Treasure 3 about whatever was on page 47 in that damn book.

-K