As Charlie Sheen, now famously, stated in his 20/20 interview: I am on a drug, it's called Charlie Sheen. It's not available because if you try it once, your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body. Too much?
No, Charlie, it is never too much. I cannot get enough of the Sheen.
I know this is not a timely post, but I wanted to soak in all of the Sheen. So, the following quotes are from multiple interviews including the original Alex Jones radio interview, the Good Morning America interview, the 20/20 interview, the Howard Stern interview, and the Piers Morgan interview where after being asked so many times, he just carried his drug test results around with him.
Ostensibly, Sheen’s interviews were about his crusade against CBS and starting his show back up. However, the interviews often delightfully turned into a commentary on Sheen, the man. Charlie was more than willing to fill the audience in on who, exactly it is, you are dealing with. He commented on everything from birth to fatherhood to self to non-sequitors. Some experts claimed it was a sign of psychosis, more like a glimpse at the Gods.
“I got Tiger Blood man.”
“I am a peaceful man with bad intentions.”
“You’re dealing with a Vatican Assassin.”
“I'm Battle-Tested Bayonets.”
“Hey kids, your dad is a rock star. Look at his life. Look at his experiences...”
“They'll wake up one day and realize how cool dad is. He signs all the checks on the front and not the back. We need his wisdom and his bitchin'ness.”
“I'm magic, I got poetry in my fingertips, ya know, most of the time, and this includes naps, I'm a...I'm an F-18 bro. I will destroy you in the air and I will deploy my ordnance to the ground.”
“I'm proud of what I created... I expose people to magic, I expose them to something they're never otherwise going to see in their boring, normal lives and I gave that to them.”
“This voice emerged. I'm alive, bring it.” (what he said after he was born)
“Dude, can't handle it, unplug this bastard...It fires in a way that's not from this terrestrial realm.” (someone else using his brain)
“Newsflash, I am special and I will never be one of you. There it is.”
The line of questions often turned to the people in his crosshairs. But, it could be the crosshairs of hate or love. You see, Sheen has a policy to love and hate violently. Sticking to his mantra, Sheen let everyone know who, exactly, he is dealing with.
“Look at what I'm dealing with, I'm dealing with fools and trolls.”
“Look at these sad trolls. And they take their word over mine?!? It's silly, come on, it's silly.”
“They are soft targets in cheap suits.”
“If he's a business man, then make some good business moves like celebrating me everyday.”
“The Goddesses? The Goddesses, Alex. I don't think the term is good enough, but when you are bound by these terrestrial descriptions you must choose the best available, right?”
“To sully, to contaminate, to...to radically disrespect this unit with a shameful contract is something I will leave to the amateurs and the bible grippers.”
“I'm going to hang out with these two sssmoooookin' hotties and fly privately around the world. You know it might be lonely up here, but I sure like the view Alex.”
“A giant marquee name comes through on your caller ID and it's like, winning.”
Of course everyone wanted to know about his lifestyle. Sheen responded openly and unapologetically to the amusement of some and to the Lilly-white sheltered faux-horror of others. Charlie mixed pride, bemusement, and calm acknowledgement when talking about how he gets down.
“I don't know, I was banging 7 gram rocks and finishing them, because I have one speed, I have one gear, go!”
“The run I was on makes Sinatra, Flynn, Jager, Richards, all of 'em just look like, you know, droopy-eyed armless children.”
“-But, you love to party.
What's not to love, I mean the run I was on was epic…”
“There are certain blends that I don't entertain because that's how guys go down...but, you should've read the directions before you showed up at the party.”
“-People say you have an affinity for porn stars.
Well look at what they do, look at what I do, duh.”
“I'm going to hang out with these two sssmoooookin' hotties and fly privately around the world. You know it might be lonely up here, but I sure like the view Alex.”
“We win so radically in our underwear before our first cup of coffee, it's scary.” (Him and the Goddesses)
“[I’m] just a guy that loves the idea, the reality of variety.”
“Once I exercise, I get my Tiger blood boiling and then it's on Howard.”
“-What does it mean you have Tiger Blood?
It's a metaphor for having absolute rocket fuel in my veins when it comes to getting focused and delivering things in a way that just don't exist in a sense of the norm.”
“[A woman involved in a prior police call] lifted a pair of pants off of the scale one day and had a tiny little revolver in the pocket and it fell on the floor and shot through the toilet.”
God, overreaction
The interviews eventually got around to whole ruse of the interview, his war with Chuck Levine, creator of Two and a Half Men. Tired of turning the writer’s tin cans into gold – and after repeated life planning sessions through repeated Apocalypse Now viewings – Charlie let us have a glimpse at his war style.
“It was like, ‘You must let me impose my will all over your face.’” (on Chuck Levine)
“My fire back was a 2000 pound bomb that was laser-guided.”
“Check it Alex, I embarrassed him in front of his children and the world by healing at a pace that his unevolved mind can't process.”
“Well, you've been warned dude, bring it.”
“I don't live in the middle, that's where you get slaughtered, that's where you get embarrassed in front of the prom queen.”
“-What's the future for Charlie Sheen?
No, Charlie, it is never too much. I cannot get enough of the Sheen.
I know this is not a timely post, but I wanted to soak in all of the Sheen. So, the following quotes are from multiple interviews including the original Alex Jones radio interview, the Good Morning America interview, the 20/20 interview, the Howard Stern interview, and the Piers Morgan interview where after being asked so many times, he just carried his drug test results around with him.
Ostensibly, Sheen’s interviews were about his crusade against CBS and starting his show back up. However, the interviews often delightfully turned into a commentary on Sheen, the man. Charlie was more than willing to fill the audience in on who, exactly it is, you are dealing with. He commented on everything from birth to fatherhood to self to non-sequitors. Some experts claimed it was a sign of psychosis, more like a glimpse at the Gods.
“I got Tiger Blood man.”
“I am a peaceful man with bad intentions.”
“You’re dealing with a Vatican Assassin.”
“I'm Battle-Tested Bayonets.”
“Hey kids, your dad is a rock star. Look at his life. Look at his experiences...”
“They'll wake up one day and realize how cool dad is. He signs all the checks on the front and not the back. We need his wisdom and his bitchin'ness.”
“I'm magic, I got poetry in my fingertips, ya know, most of the time, and this includes naps, I'm a...I'm an F-18 bro. I will destroy you in the air and I will deploy my ordnance to the ground.”
“I'm proud of what I created... I expose people to magic, I expose them to something they're never otherwise going to see in their boring, normal lives and I gave that to them.”
“This voice emerged. I'm alive, bring it.” (what he said after he was born)
“Dude, can't handle it, unplug this bastard...It fires in a way that's not from this terrestrial realm.” (someone else using his brain)
“Newsflash, I am special and I will never be one of you. There it is.”
The line of questions often turned to the people in his crosshairs. But, it could be the crosshairs of hate or love. You see, Sheen has a policy to love and hate violently. Sticking to his mantra, Sheen let everyone know who, exactly, he is dealing with.
“Look at what I'm dealing with, I'm dealing with fools and trolls.”
“Look at these sad trolls. And they take their word over mine?!? It's silly, come on, it's silly.”
“They are soft targets in cheap suits.”
“If he's a business man, then make some good business moves like celebrating me everyday.”
“The Goddesses? The Goddesses, Alex. I don't think the term is good enough, but when you are bound by these terrestrial descriptions you must choose the best available, right?”
“To sully, to contaminate, to...to radically disrespect this unit with a shameful contract is something I will leave to the amateurs and the bible grippers.”
“I'm going to hang out with these two sssmoooookin' hotties and fly privately around the world. You know it might be lonely up here, but I sure like the view Alex.”
“A giant marquee name comes through on your caller ID and it's like, winning.”
Of course everyone wanted to know about his lifestyle. Sheen responded openly and unapologetically to the amusement of some and to the Lilly-white sheltered faux-horror of others. Charlie mixed pride, bemusement, and calm acknowledgement when talking about how he gets down.
“I don't know, I was banging 7 gram rocks and finishing them, because I have one speed, I have one gear, go!”
“The run I was on makes Sinatra, Flynn, Jager, Richards, all of 'em just look like, you know, droopy-eyed armless children.”
“-But, you love to party.
What's not to love, I mean the run I was on was epic…”
“There are certain blends that I don't entertain because that's how guys go down...but, you should've read the directions before you showed up at the party.”
“-People say you have an affinity for porn stars.
Well look at what they do, look at what I do, duh.”
“I'm going to hang out with these two sssmoooookin' hotties and fly privately around the world. You know it might be lonely up here, but I sure like the view Alex.”
“We win so radically in our underwear before our first cup of coffee, it's scary.” (Him and the Goddesses)
“[I’m] just a guy that loves the idea, the reality of variety.”
“Once I exercise, I get my Tiger blood boiling and then it's on Howard.”
“-What does it mean you have Tiger Blood?
It's a metaphor for having absolute rocket fuel in my veins when it comes to getting focused and delivering things in a way that just don't exist in a sense of the norm.”
“[A woman involved in a prior police call] lifted a pair of pants off of the scale one day and had a tiny little revolver in the pocket and it fell on the floor and shot through the toilet.”
God, overreaction
The interviews eventually got around to whole ruse of the interview, his war with Chuck Levine, creator of Two and a Half Men. Tired of turning the writer’s tin cans into gold – and after repeated life planning sessions through repeated Apocalypse Now viewings – Charlie let us have a glimpse at his war style.
“It was like, ‘You must let me impose my will all over your face.’” (on Chuck Levine)
“My fire back was a 2000 pound bomb that was laser-guided.”
“Check it Alex, I embarrassed him in front of his children and the world by healing at a pace that his unevolved mind can't process.”
“Well, you've been warned dude, bring it.”
“I don't live in the middle, that's where you get slaughtered, that's where you get embarrassed in front of the prom queen.”
“-What's the future for Charlie Sheen?
Uh, just winning, everyday, defeat not an option.”
“I don't sleep, I wait.”
AA, well, Sheen doesn’t believe in it to say the least.
“This bootleg cult arrogantly referred to as Alcoholics Anonymous sports a 5% success rate. My success rate is 100%, do the math! Take for instance its founder, a desperate and broken-down plagiarist who stayed high on acid until the day he died. I can't seem to find that chapter in his silly book of lies.”
“In 22 years, the only winners I could locate in their toothless warren were either driving a convertible van or living like trolls under some abandoned bridge.”
“I have a disease? Bullshit, I cured myself with my brain, with my mind.”
“I have cleansed myself. I closed my eyes and in a nanosecond I cured myself from this ridiculous model of disease, addiction, and obsession. It's just the work of sissies. The only thing I'm addicted to right now is winning.”
“I'm sober down to my Adonis DNA.”
Many of the hosts were full of inane questions regarding Sheen’s mental state and past. Charlie dismissed them as if they were rhetorical with his laser-guided missile of winning tru—(I can’t keep up with his craziness).
“-Are there any drugs in this house?
If there are, you better find them and give them to me immediately.”
“You already know what they do.
-Because you've watched them (porn stars)?
No, because I'm guessing right.”
“-Some are saying you are bi-polar.
Wow, then what? What's the cure, medicine, to make me like them? Not gonna happen. I'm not bi-polar, I'm bi-winning, I win here and I win there. Now what?”
“-What will your tombstone say?
I don't know, something dot com.”
“-Do you own guns?
No, not anymore, they took them all away.”
“-Why would someone do that to you? (go to the press)
I don't know; retarded zombie.”
“-How was that? (a porn conquest)
I don't know, I was loaded dude.”
“-When is the last time you used?
I use a blender, I use a vacuum cleaner. When is the last time I took or ingested drugs? ... I do not remember. A couple of days before the suits rolled in and said change it, change everything, we are shutting you down.”
Charlie was full of theories on life, some transcendent, some crazy, acid-dream-fueled. Either way, you had to listen to what the Sheen had to say about the attitudes of humanity.
“Oh shame, uhps, move on. What are you going to do change it?”
“'You gotta to work through your resentments.' Yeah, no, I'm going to hang on to them and they are going to fuel my attack. And they are going to fuel the battle cry of my deadly and dangerous and secret and silent soldiers 'cause they're all around you. Anyway, thought you were just messing with one dude, sorry. Winning.”
“Women are not to be hit, they are to be hugged and caressed.”
“(on Denise Richards) She's a complete stone cold hammer.”
“If can walk back to your past when your father locked you in the closet, bring me back a souvenir. Bring me back the ashtray from his office with the burning Swisher Sweet in it.”
“Hope is for suckers and fools.”
“Can't is the cancer of happen.”
“(On death) It's the greatest trip 'cause they save it for last. Ya know, deep.”
“I don't sleep, I wait.”
AA, well, Sheen doesn’t believe in it to say the least.
“This bootleg cult arrogantly referred to as Alcoholics Anonymous sports a 5% success rate. My success rate is 100%, do the math! Take for instance its founder, a desperate and broken-down plagiarist who stayed high on acid until the day he died. I can't seem to find that chapter in his silly book of lies.”
“In 22 years, the only winners I could locate in their toothless warren were either driving a convertible van or living like trolls under some abandoned bridge.”
“I have a disease? Bullshit, I cured myself with my brain, with my mind.”
“I have cleansed myself. I closed my eyes and in a nanosecond I cured myself from this ridiculous model of disease, addiction, and obsession. It's just the work of sissies. The only thing I'm addicted to right now is winning.”
“I'm sober down to my Adonis DNA.”
Many of the hosts were full of inane questions regarding Sheen’s mental state and past. Charlie dismissed them as if they were rhetorical with his laser-guided missile of winning tru—(I can’t keep up with his craziness).
“-Are there any drugs in this house?
If there are, you better find them and give them to me immediately.”
“You already know what they do.
-Because you've watched them (porn stars)?
No, because I'm guessing right.”
“-Some are saying you are bi-polar.
Wow, then what? What's the cure, medicine, to make me like them? Not gonna happen. I'm not bi-polar, I'm bi-winning, I win here and I win there. Now what?”
“-What will your tombstone say?
I don't know, something dot com.”
“-Do you own guns?
No, not anymore, they took them all away.”
“-Why would someone do that to you? (go to the press)
I don't know; retarded zombie.”
“-How was that? (a porn conquest)
I don't know, I was loaded dude.”
“-When is the last time you used?
I use a blender, I use a vacuum cleaner. When is the last time I took or ingested drugs? ... I do not remember. A couple of days before the suits rolled in and said change it, change everything, we are shutting you down.”
Charlie was full of theories on life, some transcendent, some crazy, acid-dream-fueled. Either way, you had to listen to what the Sheen had to say about the attitudes of humanity.
“Oh shame, uhps, move on. What are you going to do change it?”
“'You gotta to work through your resentments.' Yeah, no, I'm going to hang on to them and they are going to fuel my attack. And they are going to fuel the battle cry of my deadly and dangerous and secret and silent soldiers 'cause they're all around you. Anyway, thought you were just messing with one dude, sorry. Winning.”
“Women are not to be hit, they are to be hugged and caressed.”
“(on Denise Richards) She's a complete stone cold hammer.”
“If can walk back to your past when your father locked you in the closet, bring me back a souvenir. Bring me back the ashtray from his office with the burning Swisher Sweet in it.”
“Hope is for suckers and fools.”
“Can't is the cancer of happen.”
“(On death) It's the greatest trip 'cause they save it for last. Ya know, deep.”
Charlie Sheen came off like a drug-addled lunatic who bathed in boiling water everyday during his interviews. (Seriously, how red and raw can his skin get.) But, maybe we are the crazy ones. Maybe we were witnessing cortexs of the brain being used to their full potential for the first time. I mean, in his more lucid moments, he did adhere to a moral code of getting his crew paid and make sense of his legal battle. At times, he seemed to be a master strategist, a statesman even...
“-You sound like Thomas Jefferson.
Well, I'm not Thomas Jefferson. He was a pussy.”
@CharlieSheen: Fastball; this just in, Thomas Jefferson comes forward to sheepishly admit, “Sheen’s right. I am a pussy.” C
Nah, maybe he’s just high.
-K
