Man in the Mirror

What did in the King of Pop? The same thing that brings every good man down, women. If you don't believe me take a closer look at two of MJ's deeper songs, Billie Jean and Dirty Diana.

She Was More Like A Beauty Queen From A Movie Scene
I Said Don't Mind, But What Do You Mean I Am The One
She Told Me Her Name Was Billie Jean, As She Caused A Scene
Then Every Head Turned With Eyes That Dreamed Of Being The One

A hot girl approaches MJ and he thinks wow see wants me. She calls him "the one" and causes a scene; huge red flag that she has a deep level psychosis (read: crazy).

People Always Told Me Be Careful Of What You Do
And Don't Go Around Breaking Young Girls' Hearts
And Mother Always Told Me Be Careful Of Who You Love
And Be Careful Of What You Do 'Cause The Lie Becomes The Truth

People (my guess is Jermaine) told him to take it easy on the ladies, they'll mess with you. Mrs. Jackson being the sage that she is warned MJ about girls pulling the "he hit me" card.

Billie Jean Is Not My Lover
She's Just A Girl Who Claims That I Am The One
But The Kid Is Not My Son
She Says I Am The One,
But The Kid Is Not My Son

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, yeah I banged her, but I wrapped it up. This bitch is crazy. There is no way that kid is mine. Once again, not mine, I will go on Maury, I swear NOT MINE."

For Forty Days And Forty Nights
The Law Was On Her Side
But Who Can Stand When She's In Demand
Her Schemes And Plans
'Cause We Danced On The Floor In The Round
So Take My Strong Advice,
Just Remember To Always Think Twice(Do Think Twice)

MJ caught a paternity suit. Michael can't stomach this because she's out running the same game on other poor unsuspecting saps. He hopes other people realize this and are equally repulsed. Then he gives us a, "hey fellas, watch out for the crazy girls, seriously."

She Told My Baby That's A Threat As She Looked At Me
Then Showed A Photo Of A Baby Cries
Eyes Would Like Mine
Go On Dance On The Floor In The Round, Baby
People Always Told Me Be Careful Of What You Do
And Don't Go Around Breaking Young Girls' Hearts
She Came And Stood Right By Me
Then The Smell Of Sweet Perfume
This Happened Much Too Soon
She Called Me To Her Room

This chick is up in MJ's face with a picture of the kid and everything. "Look at him, Michael, look at him." The Maury security team needs to separate them. Then, she tries trapping him again. This chick can amp up the crazy. A video vixen has entrapped the callow young MJ. A sad cautionary tale which has given the King a genuine distrust of the female gender. It is no surprise he now looks at groupies the same way you look at a streetwalker with a crack problem.

You'll never make me stay
so take your weight off of me
I know your every move
so won't you just let me be
I've been here times before
but I was too blind to see
That you seduce every man
this time you won't seduce me

"Ah ha bitch, Billie Jean already burned me. I know how this works. I see your kind all the time. Get away from me you Harpy."

She's saying that's okay
hey baby do what you please
I have the stuff that you want
I am the thing that you need
She looked me deep in the eyes
she's touchin' me so to start
She says there's no turning back
she trapped me in her heart

Diana is putting on the hard sell on like a Taiwanese hooker.

She likes the boys in the band
she knows when they come to town
Every musician's fan after the curtain comes down
She waits at backstage doors for those who have prestige
Who promise fortune and fame
a life that's so carefree
She's saying that's okay
hey baby do what you want
I'll be your night loving thing
I'll be the freak you can taunt.
And I don't care what you say
I want to go too far
I'll be your everything if you make me a star!

Oddly, this is also the plea of every Rock of Love contestant.

So, as you can see, Michael got burned by Billie Jean and by the time Diana came around, she was just dirty. MJ had enough of the groupies. It makes sense because he was around them his whole life. He OD'd on the one-nighters and heard the Siren song one too many times. Once he turned on the carnal pleasures of life all he had left was a Peter Pan complex and a pile of cash. Thus, turning MJ into an androgynous plastic-surgery-addicted boy-toucher. A legend taken down by a woman; not the first time, not the last. RIP MJ.

-K

Perez Hilton

Mario, you deserved it. I'm sorry. C is telling me I'm blaming the victim, but you cannot run your mouth for that long and expect nothing to happen. This is not the same heinous act that happened to Matthew Stafford. This is not a hate crime. I'll tell you why. When two guys are about to throw down, 9 times out of 10, the first line is usually, "Yeah? F--- you [bundle of sticks]," whether the guy is actually gay or not. Gay rights groups are going to screw this up. What they should say is that, gay or not, as a man, Mario took his beating. You know, equality. Don't cry gay, you will set Lady Gaga lovers back.

Shaw's and Taylor Swift

Alright, we are back at Random Tandem, well, at least I am. After a long, CFA-induced coma, the posts will be coming back. So, be ready, our zero readers. I have a good excuse, but when I asked C to post, she would just say, "when do I have time?" and go back to watching Daisy of Love reruns. What do you get for your monk-like patience, banal humor bonus double post!

Here we go. Why are there never enough lanes open at the supermarket? I have been to the grocery store under all kinds of circumstances: after work, weekend, daytime, nighttime, in my sweatpants wearing my iPod, around the holidays when the manager has to direct people and looks like he wants to kill himself. Never, I repeat never, even during the previously mentioned close-to-pre-hurricane-level traffic at Shaw's has there been enough lanes open to accommodate a speedy checkout. I know there is a science to queueing and you don't want to pay idle employees, but for the love of Christ, I wouldn't have to sit behind the woman with the velour suit and food stamps card if you opened the express lane.

Shaw's also has some kind of shot clock when it comes baggers. I am lucky to get my items half-bagged before the person jumps to another aisle or is just so slow, I have to jump in. This half-bagging is usually a combo of the bagger continuing the conversation they have been having with the cashier over the course of the day, checking their sidekick, dreaming of ripping off their polo and lighting it on fire, more talking, and being an octogenarian. Plus, there are usually only 2 of them and only one of them gives a crap and it's not the one you got bagging your laundry detergent on top of your bread. I think the baggers don't try because the next promotion for them is the deli counter which is usually stocked exclusively with functioning retards (really deserves its own post).

P.S. If you are the poor CSR from Shaw's that has to run down all of the Google Alerts about Shaw's, don't worry no one reads this thing. And, keep your chin up, your marketing degree was not a total waste. Oh, and bring back 10 for 10 Gatorades and Hot Pockets. Thanks.

My bonus post is really only a question. Why doesn't Taylor Swift smile? Every picture she's in, she pouts or shows her teeth which is different from smiling. Seriously, type her name into Google, click on images, and see if you can find a picture of her with a real smile. I'm sorry, but the pouty lips/half smile in every picture just screams uppity bitch.

-K, the one man wolfpack