Man in the Mirror

What did in the King of Pop? The same thing that brings every good man down, women. If you don't believe me take a closer look at two of MJ's deeper songs, Billie Jean and Dirty Diana.

She Was More Like A Beauty Queen From A Movie Scene
I Said Don't Mind, But What Do You Mean I Am The One
She Told Me Her Name Was Billie Jean, As She Caused A Scene
Then Every Head Turned With Eyes That Dreamed Of Being The One

A hot girl approaches MJ and he thinks wow see wants me. She calls him "the one" and causes a scene; huge red flag that she has a deep level psychosis (read: crazy).

People Always Told Me Be Careful Of What You Do
And Don't Go Around Breaking Young Girls' Hearts
And Mother Always Told Me Be Careful Of Who You Love
And Be Careful Of What You Do 'Cause The Lie Becomes The Truth

People (my guess is Jermaine) told him to take it easy on the ladies, they'll mess with you. Mrs. Jackson being the sage that she is warned MJ about girls pulling the "he hit me" card.

Billie Jean Is Not My Lover
She's Just A Girl Who Claims That I Am The One
But The Kid Is Not My Son
She Says I Am The One,
But The Kid Is Not My Son

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, yeah I banged her, but I wrapped it up. This bitch is crazy. There is no way that kid is mine. Once again, not mine, I will go on Maury, I swear NOT MINE."

For Forty Days And Forty Nights
The Law Was On Her Side
But Who Can Stand When She's In Demand
Her Schemes And Plans
'Cause We Danced On The Floor In The Round
So Take My Strong Advice,
Just Remember To Always Think Twice(Do Think Twice)

MJ caught a paternity suit. Michael can't stomach this because she's out running the same game on other poor unsuspecting saps. He hopes other people realize this and are equally repulsed. Then he gives us a, "hey fellas, watch out for the crazy girls, seriously."

She Told My Baby That's A Threat As She Looked At Me
Then Showed A Photo Of A Baby Cries
Eyes Would Like Mine
Go On Dance On The Floor In The Round, Baby
People Always Told Me Be Careful Of What You Do
And Don't Go Around Breaking Young Girls' Hearts
She Came And Stood Right By Me
Then The Smell Of Sweet Perfume
This Happened Much Too Soon
She Called Me To Her Room

This chick is up in MJ's face with a picture of the kid and everything. "Look at him, Michael, look at him." The Maury security team needs to separate them. Then, she tries trapping him again. This chick can amp up the crazy. A video vixen has entrapped the callow young MJ. A sad cautionary tale which has given the King a genuine distrust of the female gender. It is no surprise he now looks at groupies the same way you look at a streetwalker with a crack problem.

You'll never make me stay
so take your weight off of me
I know your every move
so won't you just let me be
I've been here times before
but I was too blind to see
That you seduce every man
this time you won't seduce me

"Ah ha bitch, Billie Jean already burned me. I know how this works. I see your kind all the time. Get away from me you Harpy."

She's saying that's okay
hey baby do what you please
I have the stuff that you want
I am the thing that you need
She looked me deep in the eyes
she's touchin' me so to start
She says there's no turning back
she trapped me in her heart

Diana is putting on the hard sell on like a Taiwanese hooker.

She likes the boys in the band
she knows when they come to town
Every musician's fan after the curtain comes down
She waits at backstage doors for those who have prestige
Who promise fortune and fame
a life that's so carefree
She's saying that's okay
hey baby do what you want
I'll be your night loving thing
I'll be the freak you can taunt.
And I don't care what you say
I want to go too far
I'll be your everything if you make me a star!

Oddly, this is also the plea of every Rock of Love contestant.

So, as you can see, Michael got burned by Billie Jean and by the time Diana came around, she was just dirty. MJ had enough of the groupies. It makes sense because he was around them his whole life. He OD'd on the one-nighters and heard the Siren song one too many times. Once he turned on the carnal pleasures of life all he had left was a Peter Pan complex and a pile of cash. Thus, turning MJ into an androgynous plastic-surgery-addicted boy-toucher. A legend taken down by a woman; not the first time, not the last. RIP MJ.

-K

Perez Hilton

Mario, you deserved it. I'm sorry. C is telling me I'm blaming the victim, but you cannot run your mouth for that long and expect nothing to happen. This is not the same heinous act that happened to Matthew Stafford. This is not a hate crime. I'll tell you why. When two guys are about to throw down, 9 times out of 10, the first line is usually, "Yeah? F--- you [bundle of sticks]," whether the guy is actually gay or not. Gay rights groups are going to screw this up. What they should say is that, gay or not, as a man, Mario took his beating. You know, equality. Don't cry gay, you will set Lady Gaga lovers back.

Shaw's and Taylor Swift

Alright, we are back at Random Tandem, well, at least I am. After a long, CFA-induced coma, the posts will be coming back. So, be ready, our zero readers. I have a good excuse, but when I asked C to post, she would just say, "when do I have time?" and go back to watching Daisy of Love reruns. What do you get for your monk-like patience, banal humor bonus double post!

Here we go. Why are there never enough lanes open at the supermarket? I have been to the grocery store under all kinds of circumstances: after work, weekend, daytime, nighttime, in my sweatpants wearing my iPod, around the holidays when the manager has to direct people and looks like he wants to kill himself. Never, I repeat never, even during the previously mentioned close-to-pre-hurricane-level traffic at Shaw's has there been enough lanes open to accommodate a speedy checkout. I know there is a science to queueing and you don't want to pay idle employees, but for the love of Christ, I wouldn't have to sit behind the woman with the velour suit and food stamps card if you opened the express lane.

Shaw's also has some kind of shot clock when it comes baggers. I am lucky to get my items half-bagged before the person jumps to another aisle or is just so slow, I have to jump in. This half-bagging is usually a combo of the bagger continuing the conversation they have been having with the cashier over the course of the day, checking their sidekick, dreaming of ripping off their polo and lighting it on fire, more talking, and being an octogenarian. Plus, there are usually only 2 of them and only one of them gives a crap and it's not the one you got bagging your laundry detergent on top of your bread. I think the baggers don't try because the next promotion for them is the deli counter which is usually stocked exclusively with functioning retards (really deserves its own post).

P.S. If you are the poor CSR from Shaw's that has to run down all of the Google Alerts about Shaw's, don't worry no one reads this thing. And, keep your chin up, your marketing degree was not a total waste. Oh, and bring back 10 for 10 Gatorades and Hot Pockets. Thanks.

My bonus post is really only a question. Why doesn't Taylor Swift smile? Every picture she's in, she pouts or shows her teeth which is different from smiling. Seriously, type her name into Google, click on images, and see if you can find a picture of her with a real smile. I'm sorry, but the pouty lips/half smile in every picture just screams uppity bitch.

-K, the one man wolfpack

Nick Swisher

It's been a while, but I had to chime in on this stat line:

.458 BA, 4 HR, 1.208 SLG

1.0 IP, 2.00 WHIP, 0.00

I had to ask myself, "Is Nick Swisher the real life Steve Nebraska from The Scout?" He is crushing balls like a NOW executive and blowing away people on the mound as well. Swish is the ultimate force in baseball, feared at the plated and cowered away from on the hill. I'm not saying the Swish is throwing 120 like Encino Man or hitting 600 foot bombs, but the guy is single-handedly keeping the Yankees alive right now. Jeter was 1-20 going into the 4/14 game against the D-Rays (and yes they are still and always will be the D-Rays to me). Teixeira has auto-erotic inflammation, Chien-Ming Wang can't get out of the 3rd inning, A-Rod is thinking of more things that people think about him, essentially paralyzing him, so the Swish says F-it, I'm putting this team on my back. Swish's agent definitely messed up on this one. Back when CC was all the talk of the Yankees off-season and sounded about as excited to come to New York as a Reserve who got stop-lossed back to Iraq, he should have had the Swish on exhibition. His agent has got to have him out there lighting up radar guns and then crushing balls over the darkened fence of a empty major league park. All he would have had to do was assemble all of the GMs in baseball in one spot to do a secret bid based on a single workout by a talent that no one has ever heard of. This must have been what happened with at least half of the Dominican players right? All you really need is Theo Epstien. I'm sure his bid would have looked like this:

50 million, no
51 million, no
51.1 million, no
1 billion dollars

Seriously though, my favorite part was that Swish hadn't pitched since he was a freshman in high school, but he still got one strikeout. Gabe Kapler must be getting some much crap for that. Your 8-games-in MVP, Nick Swisher.

-K

Bag Check

The Transit Police were doing random bag searches at Downtown Crossing Friday. They seem like nice enough guys. But, I think if I made over $100,000 working for a bloated, debt-laden, too-big-to-fail "independent" Transportation Board, I'd be pretty happy too. Anyway, I have had to have my bag checked twice. They take a swab, wipe it down the side of your bag and put it in a GE portable gas chromatograph, which probably cost 80 grand (you have to love the T's dedication to fiscal responsibility and knee-jerk terrorism responses). My question is: Does this really do anything?


The answer is no. If I was a terrorist, I could blow up the T if I really wanted to. These random screenings will do nothing. Your anti-terrorism plan has flaws if it could be thwarted by taking the Orange line instead of the Red line. You don't need to be a terrorist to want to blow up the T either. All you have to do is watch 3 full Red line trains pull in to Downtown Crossing before giving up and walking to South Station to get a cab to take you to where the 20 minute T ride was supposed to for a fraction of the cost. Or ride the Green line once. Seriously MBTA, I'm sure the Red Sox would supply with a schedule of their home games. On those home games, many people use the Park St. station to take the Green line to Fenway. To get there on time for say a 7:00 game, people start getting on the T at 5:30, coinciding with the rush hour commute of three quarters of the city. Maybe a two street car C line every 10 minutes is not going to cut it.

What the hell do the Transit Police do anyway? I saw two of them take a bum off of the T once, but that is about it. Most of the violence on the T, occurs you know, on the T. So, why are the Transit Police always above ground. Maybe if you pared down on the Beruit level tactical unit, you could prevent the once a month robberies and twice a year shootings on the Orange line. Or, at least tell the guy who lit up the incense on the T that one time to put it out.

In essence, the Transit Police are engaging in what some security experts call "security theater". Everyone has a knee jerk reaction to big shocking events and then they say, "do something" to government because they feel helpless. So, the MBTA Police, goes "OK, fine, we'll buy this $80,000 machine, so you feel safe," even though it does nothing. You play along because it only takes 10 seconds and that machine sure looks like a expensive terrorism catcher. You could make a civil liberties, 4th amendment argument, if you really wanted to be a dick about it. Meanwhile, the reason you might have to pay yet another fare hike is because this Transit cop didn't score high enough on the Sergeant's test for the BPD, so he took this job and some bureaucrat thought it was a good idea to guarantee him 100% of his salary in a pension payment for the rest of his life. The Transit cops do seem like good, decent people, but you want me to pay the second fare hike in 5 years after 30 years of zero fare hikes (exaggerated) for no increase in service because the MBTA can't cover you ludicrous benefits package. Um, NO.

It's not just the Transit cops either. Why do you think every T is driven by a person who they would decline at McDonald's? Benefits. Pensions. Unions. I could keep going on the T because I take this physical representation of horrible government monopolism (might not be a word) everyday. But, hey, if you want to keep going on with this farce instead of doing stuff that would fix actual problems, then go ahead, check my bag. I need to get home.

-K

Free Bagels

I have had to suffer through enough orientations and training sessions to realize the power of free food. I am fully convinced you could hold a Hitler Youth rally if you told people there would be pizza. It is really amazing how people, myself included, will line up for a painfully awkward gathering of fellow faceless white collar slaves to say his/her name, what group they are in and one interesting fact about themselves for the bagels promised at the end. I always feel bad for the rookie H.R. person who gives out the food first. You have just lost your entire audience. What's that? Now, you are going to go into to your presentation on Daily Methodologies for Fund Class Calculations. Sorry, checked out. I remember going to the banquet at the end of Biddy Basketball one year and it was a buffet of fast food (McDonald's, Taco Bell, KFC). Heaven. There is no greater bait for the homo sapien than free food, even if it is crap. So, next time you need people to show up for something, just promise food, but if it's free Grand Slams at Denny's it might not be the cross-section of people you were hoping for.

-K

The Old Woman Who Lived In a Shoe… 2009 Edition

Now, for those of you that are followers of Random Tandem (what up, L. Woods!), consider yourself warned that the below post is unusually serious for me, C. Please know that I will try to write about important issues like celebrity gossip (can you believe Chris Brown assaulted Rihanna!?!?) and Rock of Love Bus (can you believe Brett had Ashley sleep over in his bus, and that he told those girls they transformed from regular people to skanks stay on tour!? Crazy!), but I’ve been reading a lot about that crazy lady with 14 children, and I thought that the world (aka you) was probably dying for my opinion on the matter. Well, today is your lucky day… Plus, Gossip Girl was a repeat last night.

Have you ever babysat like more than 4 kids? It’s utter chaos. Now add ten more and imagine that you’ve got these kids all hopped up on pixie sticks and soda and you can’t leave them with someone else and go home. Oh, wait, that’s right… I don’t think you can buy Pixie Sticks or Soda on food stamps. So, maybe Ms. Nadya Suleman is in the clear. Because raising 14 children can’t be that hard, right? Especially if you love them… right?

Nadya Suleman keeps saying that she loves children and she loves her children. But, if she really loved her children would she bring them into a world when she could not possible afford to provide them with the kind of life they deserve? They didn’t ask to be born into and live in these kind of conditions: http://www.radaronline.com/photos/2009/02/nadya_suleman_octuplet_mom.php
Please don’t get me wrong: I’m not saying you need to be rich to have children, but you need to be able to provide for them (both financially and emotionally) and she clearly cannot do that on student loans (but, she can afford a publicist?). Nor can one person possibly provide enough attention and support that each child requires, especially in their developmental years. The point I’m trying to make is that if Nadya Suleman really loved her children, she would have put her desire to have children to the wayside for a bit and waited until she was financially stable and secure before bringing any children into this world, let alone 14. Why didn’t she want to save the money used for her most recent in vitro fertilization to provide for her other 6 children? One would think... but this is why Nadya Suleman is not a good mother. She continues to put her needs before those of her children. The fact that Child Services hasn’t taken these children away from her is appalling to me (maybe they’re impacted by the new forced furloughs in Cali?). She cannot provide for them on any level… financially or emotionally. She has a very childish view of love: that if you say it it’s enough… it’s not enough. I’m not saying I have all of the answers about love, I’m young and have a lot of growing and learning left to do, I’m just saying real love is selfless. Real love is when you put your needs on the back burner to make sure that the person/people/children you love are as happy as they possibly can be… now, that being said, does Nadya Suleman really love her children? Or do you think that maybe all of the couples that desperately try to have just one child and can’t, maybe would love her children more? Just some food for thought…

-C