ESPN 300

Back in January, I used BatchGeo to map the ESPN 300 recruiting class for college football.  Unsurprisingly, it is fairly southern dominated, with some hot spots around the country.  The bluer, the higher the ranking.

ATL shawty:

Dallas/Fort Worth/Friday Night Lights:

LA!?:

Gator/Seminole/The U country:

-K

North Korea

Are we so desperate as a country to fight a "real" army that we need to concern ourselves with some chubby kid waving his dad's gun around?  Yes, they have nukes, but there are no possible outcomes in which North Korea wins a war using military might or culture bombs.  Bombers can tactically strike that Asian peninsula from a plane that goes wheels up in Missouri.  In a closed military society, provocation is the lifeblood.  All Kim Jong Un is doing is undertaking a bellicose PR campaign.  By getting in a dick-measuring contest with South Korea aka the United States, it proves itself a world player while providing distraction to its own starved people not locked up in a gulag.  As a nation, we should be too adult for this.  Iran is doing basically the same thing, but when we see an actual nation-state with tanks and uniforms we lurch at it.  It is partly our nature, but it also seems like the dormant part of our fighting spirit that wants to take on a classic enemy we can recognize and defeat after a decade of taking on ethereal religious guerrillas.  Where's the "fun" in developing the best tank on the planet and not being able to use it?

I would not concern myself with a nation that cannot feed its own people.  The burn rate of liberties usually consumes whatever is fueling the iron fist within a century or two.  Here's how much better American-style capitalism is than North Korean-style communism; our poor people are fat.  If you look at that through the long lens of history that is simply amazing.  Other countries made it to space and invented mankind-altering things, but we - we have a lower class with an obesity problem.  That's how good we got it.

Kim Jong Un is in a tough spot. Should he graze the DMZ with a bullet, an Old Testament level raining of hellfire will come down upon him.  Should he open his society, a wave of heart disease awaits him in the form of food scientifically engineered to maximize your bliss.  So, to paraphrase the Mexican drug cartel offer, do you want the lead or the cheeseburger?

-K

A Ridiculous Hypothetical Cross-Atlantic Conversation

Europeans and Canadians have a snooty air when it comes to measurement standards.  (Maybe, I don't know, just go with it.)  They tout the superiority of the metric system to the standard system used in America and they are right.  Metric is based on 10, a foot is 12 inches.  A kilometer is 1,000 meters, just like the name implies.  Most Americans probably don't know there are 5,280 feet in a mile.  Even Celsius is makes more sense.  Water freezes at 0 and boils at 100.  Thirty two and 220 for Fahrenheit.  But, my response would involve frame of reference.  Yeah, metric is superior, but if you tell an American it's 38 degrees outside they will put some gloves on.  If you say you something is 17 kilometers away, well, you'll just be met with a blank stare.  We grew up with the standard system; we think in terms of that framework.  Say, for instance, a third person were to join this ludicrous straw-man conversation.  In his land, they've worked out a system where there are 100 minute hours. If he told you it was 8:72, you would probably call him an asshole even though it's systematically a better system than base 60.  You can recognize the supremacy of it without knowing what the hell it means alright!

-K

How to Draw a Husky

Northeastern University has a terrible logo.  To understand the state of this latest atrocity, we must look at its genealogy.  How have we gone from the home of Reggie Lewis, NCAA tournament bids and Beanpot glory to a list-obsessed university trying to hack away any visages of its co-op uniqueness to become a standard university Barbie doll?  It's clearly the logos.

A deeper thinker studying Art History (i.e, future apartment realtor) might say the present logo, in place the last few years, represents NU's self-flagellation from trying to become just another generic 4-year college. Amid rumors of dropping its co-op program and ultimately offering a 4-year option for students, NU hurt itself and tried negating its primary identity, the co-op program.  The red eyes representing the deal with the devil President Freeland made with that tempting mistress, U.S. News and World Report, to get into the Top 100. 

But, I know what you are thinking.  The person that gave that poor vampire dog a bowl of magma and melted his snout should be hanged.  But, nay, this was drawn of purpose!  They even put it on the hockey jerseys.  Imagine trying to instill fear into your opponent while wearing a maimed canine on your sweater.  The hockey players must never cease getting crap for this. I would never stop taunting an NU player if I played for BU. "Hey, nice cleft-lipped demon dog, clown."  This is probably why we never win a 4-team tournament.  (You have to win 2 games in a row and you WIN the tournament!  Haven't done it since '88.)  Imagine for a second NU won the men's basketball tournament of the league we are the most northern member by far of, the CAA.  NU is in the NCAA tournament and CBS does a 3D spinning image of that monstrosity while Jim Nantz downplays the graphic showing NU getting out-rebounded 34-8 by number one seed UNC.  Even South Dakota State's looked good on TV and they are 500 miles from any metropolis.



This primary logo, rolled out in 2004, represented a small heyday for NU.  It's actually isn't that bad; representing the resurgence of the basketball team led by Puerto-Rican parade getting, Miss Universe dating, NBA Champion, Jose Juan Barea.  We were flying high, invited to the NIT and almost beat Uconn.  The wordmark logo looks professional and has the Boston skyline on it.  It's a solid update on the previous triangle logo.  However, how would the husky eat without a lower jaw especially with its new set of human teeth?  What the previous logo did get right was a set of real canine teeth.  If you are going to show a dog growling, at least make it look like it can bite you not grind plant matter down like a Brontosaurus.  Both of those logos are a mouthful to put on a jersey or a hat though.  So, they were reserved for letterhead and official websites while a more ubiquitous image was displayed.

The logo when I was in college and still in place some places, the red and black "N".  Oooh.  It reflects simplicity and the bold stance the university takes in the middle of an urban landscape.  The two distinct colors represent the dichotomy of the modern student-athlete or the two sides of the student and the co-op...all of which is probably the same crap whoever pitched it came up with.  Points for simplicity, but one is the actual logo, one is something I made on Microsoft Paint in 90 seconds.  It is especially not impressive when put on athletic conference websites next to other logos that were created by real graphical artists not some stoned Mass Art student who laughingly took $100 from Northeastern to create the SYMBOL OF THE ENTIRE UNIVERSITY.  The logo screams "I have nothing to say.  I will get my degree, try to get a good job and move on with my life having no attachment to my alma mater."  I guess it was a simpler time before Mr. and Mrs. Husky gave birth to Paws.

We end with the graphical representation of NU from 1987-1998.  A proud husky mounting Nebraska's logo and dominating it into submission.  But again, human teeth.  Eh, our best try.  A throwback to being a commuter school with Jim Calhoun as the basketball coach, NU's own Reggie Lewis playing for the Boston Celtics, Beanpot victories and the YMCA serving as "on-campus" housing.  The birth of our best cheer - chanting "safety school" to Harvard - perhaps? 

Alas, we have gone from Proud Husky to Melted Snout, just as Northeastern has gone through it's disjointed growth with some misfires yet more successes.  It's too bad our logo doesn't reflect that.  But, I don't want to be one of those people who complains without having solutions.  A better image of my alma mater is out there.  It is used by an university that has N and U in its acronym, its colors are red and black, AND they are the huskies.  Ladies and gentlemen presenting Northern Illinois Northeastern University's new logo:

Go NU!

-K

Greek Debt 20x

For all of you degenerate gamblers who thought "I wish I had a better grasp of the Greek debt situation", I thought of an analogy for you.
There is a guy who owes a lot money to a bunch of different bookies. We’ll call him, Mike the Mush (Greece). He owes about 10 Gs to a heavy hitter (European Central Bank) and another 10 Gs spread around to another 20 or 30 smaller time guys (private bond holders). The heavy hitter knows they are going to get screwed unless they keep letting Mike gamble, but he has no money. So, his plan is to tell Mike he can call in some more 100 timers if he tells the rest of the small time guys he’ll pay them half of what he owes at half the vig. Unsurprisingly, the small time guys have collectively responded “Go F yourself.” 

The ECB needs a Sharon Stone from Casino type to keep Greece alive and gambling before the chips on the blackjack tables are worthless.  It is unclear whether Angela Merkel is a capo or underboss in this scenario.

Lock of the week:
Teaser (Giants money line and private bond holders getting 500 basis points)

-K

Xbox Live

Modern Warfare 3 came out and, for me, that means delving into the contemporary perma-adolescent psychological milieu your average young adult male exists in especially when it comes to video games, oh and smoking noobs.  This mind-state can be no better experienced than on XBOX Live and its PS3 equivalent.  Imagine a world where boys ruled, only might is not measured by muscle density, but by digital kill count, all with the sweet freedom of anonymity.  I've learned a few things about the male psyche in between trying to avoid throwing my controller through the TV.  We are marginally evolved.  We will fight any feeling of insecurity with racism, homophobia, and comments about one's mother.  And, a 12 year old can make you blind with rage.  At least Lord of the Flies had a semblance of order before devolving into a near-cannibalistic state of primal humanity.  In online gaming, the boys would've shoved the conch shell up Piggy's ass and kicked him off the cliff. 

If the online world of video games were viewed as it's own society, an outsider might make these following observations.  They LOVE weed.  There are thinly-veiled references to it in the games they play and blatant references to it in the names they use.  Any female voice shall not be met with a "hello," but an "are you hot?"  If the answer to the latter question is no, they have no use for her...unless she's better than them.  Accents are ALWAYS funny especially the Brits.  If a person's cadence is different from their own, it's hilarious and eminently mockable.  Do not expect them to recognize the distinct advantage of virtual invisibility when saying racist, odd, and pompous things.  Apparently the mass of them, especially the ones with Southern accents, have some distinct views on race relations, homosexuals, and immigration in America.  The commentary on alternative lifestyles seems to be at odds with the fact that there is a supermajority of gay people online.  It's either that or everyone just calls everyone else a fag.

I will, however, continue to immerse myself in this world of stunted maturity much to the chagrin of my fiance because it's fun.  But, wow, it just adds to the degradation of my faith in humanity.  Play on future backbone of society!

-K

Rin Tin Tin

I just wanted to take a minute to let you know that a biography of a dog is number 12 on the New York Times Bestseller List.  It's. A. Dog. How did his sign his life rights contract with a paw print?  I have not read this book, it could very well be Pulitzer material filled with elegantly scripted prose on the human experience written in iambic pentameter.  But, IT'S ABOUT A DOG.  How can there be any internal monologue other than "Is this food?" or "What was that noise?"  How can there be internal monologue, IT'S A DOG! AAHH. 

This is wrong on two levels; why America is finished and how crazy dog owners are.  Enough learned folk have eschewed the infinitely more compelling tales of a human's life to read about a German Shepard that was on TV.  I am going to guess many of these people are Dog People.  Dog People are the ones who hesitate when asked this question: Your home is on fire, you can save a human stranger or your dog, who do you take?  Actually most of them wouldn't hesitate to say "my dog."  I mean some people spend tens of thousands giving dogs cancer treatments!  This is why there is no more dog track in Mass. and why America is finished in general.

From Amazon: "So begins Susan Orlean’s sweeping, powerfully moving account of Rin Tin Tin’s journey from orphaned puppy to movie star and international icon"

Indeed.

-K

Pay Your Fair Share!

The mantra of fiscal liberals recently has been for the rich to "pay their fair share."  After a plethora of soundbites with that same ethos, but with no data to explain what that means or plan to address it, I decided to look at the numbers.  What I found was that we as a country better not hope the rich pay their fair share because then, we are really fucked.  They need to keep paying the completely obscene share they do now.

First, a note on data manipulation.  The link to the IRS data I used can be found here. It is in the first group of data, Table 3.4, tax year 2009.  I combined the income tax and capital gains rows to get a total for each tax bracket.  I eliminated the zero and five percent data from the graphs and calculations because they had a minimal impact.  Everything was under 1%.  It also reflects the rates people pay on their paychecks which seems more intuitive.  The tax brackets on the pie charts are for someone filing Single status on their return. 

Critics of the American capitalist system always decry the income inequality between the rich and the poor, while little is said of the tax inequality.  Granted, it's hard to feel bad for someone who made over $373,650 a year, but what exactly is the "fair share" that group should pay?  The people who qualified for the top marginal tax bracket, a scant .76% of all taxpayers took in 13.3% of all the income, but paid 29.5% of all the taxes.  So, if the omnipresent yet faceless 1% of mythic old white men pay more than double their share of income in taxes, how much is enough?  50%? 75%? F-- it, why should anybody making under $100,000 have to pay taxes?  That wouldn't lead to a horrible bifurcated Entitled versus Financier dichotomy among citizens.  To achieve any kind of fiscal restraint, you need to have an ownership society.  Such a culture can't exist when people have little or no money on the outcome of government's performance.

We can see by the pie chart version of the data that the green slice, $34 to $82 thousand, the middle class, are the only ones paying the definition of their fair share.  Their portion doesn't change size much from the income to tax charts.  The orange slice - evil rich people who use the poor as pawns in their plans for world domination - spreads out quite a bit, while the blue slice - said pawns - nearly disappears.  

Our tax system breaks down to this essentially, the top 2% of taxpayers take in just under 20% of the income and pay just over 40% of the taxes.  If nothing, that seems resoundingly fair to me, probably too fair.  Free market America has quite the socialist tax system. 

Even if you look at effective tax rate which includes all of the deductions, credits, loopholes, advantages of tax attorneys and wealth managers, men with pipes and brandy snifters; the more money you make, the higher taxes you pay.  The only people who get a break are the middle class again (voting works!).  But, my guess is that if I did some more research (I won't), that dip in effective tax rate would be due to the mortgage interest deduction.  When you hit the middle class, you can achieve the American Dream of owning a home.  That is, of course, unless the federal government implicitly guarantees the debt of multiple NGOs that buy increasingly horrible loans, thus incentivizing investment and retail banks into pumping out increasingly dubious mortgages to marginal borrowers, securitizing them, and finally insuring them until everyone with a fake copy of a paycheck has a 5/1 ARM with no points, but can't make even the first payment on the $300,000 house they just bought and the whole thing collapses...but, that's a whole other story.  I mean where is Warren Buffet's secretary?  She was supposed to be paying a higher tax rate than Warren, but if she was, it seems like she was making some substantial donations to the IRS.

Liberals want to claim the rich are ripping off the country with offshore accounts, trust funds, LLC tax avoidance entities, but the numbers don't seem to bear it out for me.  This brief skim of some tax stats is not exhaustive by any means.  I didn't look at multiple-year trends or use any other division of income than tax bracket.  I'm sure some more detailed analysis could possibly invalidate my thesis, but it seems if the rich were getting away with something, it would show up in this cursory view of income and taxes.  It's hard to feel sorry for people that make a sizable income, but hey professional athletes get sympathy when framed in context.  Why can't we just say that the rich, the very rich actually, pay an inordinate amount of their share of taxes.  A percent more than acceptable to be considered reasonable.  This is not a soundbite after all, this from the IRS's website.  These are hard numbers.  So, the next time someone says the rich should "pay their fair share" point them to Table 3.4, tax year 2009 of the IRS Statistics of Income and ask them what that means exactly.


-K

Why I Can't Live In Cambridge

The city home to world-renowned universities, excellent beer bars, and a slew of sites of historical significance is just not for me. The People's Republic of Cambridge houses such disdain for a system that has allowed many of its residents' (parents) to succeed it is impossible for an avowed capitalist to stomach. Cambridge is home to Dirty Hippies, Hipsters, and Crunchy Gays. These types are the ones who worship at the alter of Socialism and all of the utopian rainbows and communal ideals it brings. It's why Martha Coakley gets 88% of the vote over the Mass. Ave. bridge. (The Green Party siphoned off a few percentage points.) It shocks me that in the same place where Harvard, MIT, and Le Cordon Bleu Culinary College reside, people believe that de-incentivising hard work, giving people money, and central government planning is a good idea. There is a mountain of evidence to the contrary: USSR, Cuba, North Korea, Greece, many African countries, the slums of Mumbai, the Native American community, the prevalence of bums in your little slice of Marxist heaven, yet the Catabragians still want rich people to pay because it's government's fault or "these corporations" or rich people themselves or the World Bank. OK, fine, the profit-motive is equal to ten Hitlers, we get it. I have a feeling though that you don't really think collectivism would work in practice, you just hate the "mainstream". And, nobody hates mainstream more than Cambridge biggest plurality, the Hipster.


I am convinced most Hipsters, while smart, don't know Friederich Engels from Peter Engel. One thought the Capitalist machine was oiled with the blood of the worker, one was the executive producer of Saved By The Bell. In fact, most Hipsters probably watched Saved By the Bell when it was on, enjoyed it, later hated it because more than 5 people liked it and now watch it because it's retro and we all know retro = cool. You've seen the Hipster out and about, he looks like this guy. A quick breakdown of their appearance: skinny jeans always, always, skinny jeans, a wool hat or weird asymmetrical haircut - bonus points for odd facial hair, a scarf no matter the season, a flannel or retro T-shirt from Goodwill, Chuck Taylors and non-prescription glasses because they are so much smarter than you. The Hipster hates the mainstream and it's physical embodiment, the Frat Boy. Even whoever wrote the Urban Dictionary definition of Hipster COULD NOT help himself from taking a shot at his oft-thought of intellectual inferior. A paradox has arisen, however, as the Hipster will frequently use the Frat Boy's urge to "get some brews" and beer-drinking in general as a mark of his marginally evolved brain, yet Hipsters invade beer bars. I guess when it's craft-brewed in small batches and served in cool glassware that makes it OK. Christ, slap "organic" on ANYTHING and it seems it has passed through Alternative customs. (I personally cannot wait until the Hipster love affair with craft beer wanes because I actually like the stuff and PBR tastes like shit and I want to be able to get into the Public House again. I hope they show a Duvel commercial during the Superbowl.) The Hipster is ultimately a hater, they don't actually "like" anything, they just choose to indulge in whatever is the opposite of mainstream. If Little Wayne gets enough suburban white kids to rock skinny jeans, the Hipsters will drop that style faster than when LL Cool J tried to rock the one-pant-leg up look. So, Cambridge, we understand, making money is evil, George Bush is a war criminal, and sports are dumb just stop being a hater. Don't OccupyBoston, occupy Porter Square and leave us alone, besides someone needs to subsidize your lifestyle.


-K

Viva la Revolucion!

Greek "anarchists" took to the streets to protest the austerity plans of the Greek government has in order to secure more aid from the rest of the Euro zone. First off, that's a balls move calling yourself anarchists when your argument is essentially that you want more government. "I want Greece to return to its quasi-socialist state!" Boom, rock through a McDonald's window. That makes sense. Moltov Cocktail at the police because you can't retire with a full pension at 45?!? Also, technically if you are fighting the cops, aren't you fighting the same people whom you want benefits to be restored to? All of these "anarchists" are full of crap anyway. You're nineteen, you will use any excuse to flip a car over. That's why there are parking bans and police in the city that wins a championship all the time. You're not an anarchist, you're just an asshole who now has the luxury of mob rule to cause mayhem. You know these people, they riot at World Bank meetings, start sentences with "It's these corporations", and think most people in power actively work to destroy the rest of the world. They don't have any real convictions. They just like the yelling and sticking it to the man. The mission is filled in the [Insert Cause Here] line after the protest has been organized.

And Greece, seriously, what do you want the government to do, default? You still won't get more money. Your train company's payroll is four times bigger than sales. (The frugal MBTA's is only 1 to 1). Half of the population can't work for the government. The government doesn't make money. Other people have to give the government money for it to work. Yeah, everyone would love to retire and party on Mykonos all day. But, you can't have the government slopping bonuses and pensions around like they just hit Powerball and expect that to last. And to think, all this time, you thought you were helping your people out. Now what? They hate you because you were so generous. HA. I relish this type of stuff though. Greece spent and owes too much money, but the rest of the Europe (Germany) won't give them more unless they stop spending so much, only the people they spent it on don't want that. Show down! Real actual consequences.

...But, I do want a football season though.

-K

On Winning

As Charlie Sheen, now famously, stated in his 20/20 interview: I am on a drug, it's called Charlie Sheen. It's not available because if you try it once, your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body. Too much?

No, Charlie, it is never too much. I cannot get enough of the Sheen.

I know this is not a timely post, but I wanted to soak in all of the Sheen. So, the following quotes are from multiple interviews including the original Alex Jones radio interview, the Good Morning America interview, the 20/20 interview, the Howard Stern interview, and the Piers Morgan interview where after being asked so many times, he just carried his drug test results around with him.

Ostensibly, Sheen’s interviews were about his crusade against CBS and starting his show back up. However, the interviews often delightfully turned into a commentary on Sheen, the man. Charlie was more than willing to fill the audience in on who, exactly it is, you are dealing with. He commented on everything from birth to fatherhood to self to non-sequitors. Some experts claimed it was a sign of psychosis, more like a glimpse at the Gods.

“I got Tiger Blood man.”
“I am a peaceful man with bad intentions.”
“You’re dealing with a Vatican Assassin.”
“I'm Battle-Tested Bayonets.”
“Hey kids, your dad is a rock star. Look at his life. Look at his experiences...”
“They'll wake up one day and realize how cool dad is. He signs all the checks on the front and not the back. We need his wisdom and his bitchin'ness.”
“I'm magic, I got poetry in my fingertips, ya know, most of the time, and this includes naps, I'm a...I'm an F-18 bro. I will destroy you in the air and I will deploy my ordnance to the ground.”
“I'm proud of what I created... I expose people to magic, I expose them to something they're never otherwise going to see in their boring, normal lives and I gave that to them.”
“This voice emerged. I'm alive, bring it.” (what he said after he was born)
“Dude, can't handle it, unplug this bastard...It fires in a way that's not from this terrestrial realm.” (someone else using his brain)
“Newsflash, I am special and I will never be one of you. There it is.”

The line of questions often turned to the people in his crosshairs. But, it could be the crosshairs of hate or love. You see, Sheen has a policy to love and hate violently. Sticking to his mantra, Sheen let everyone know who, exactly, he is dealing with.

“Look at what I'm dealing with, I'm dealing with fools and trolls.”
“Look at these sad trolls. And they take their word over mine?!? It's silly, come on, it's silly.”
“They are soft targets in cheap suits.”
“If he's a business man, then make some good business moves like celebrating me everyday.”

“The Goddesses? The Goddesses, Alex. I don't think the term is good enough, but when you are bound by these terrestrial descriptions you must choose the best available, right?”
“To sully, to contaminate, to...to radically disrespect this unit with a shameful contract is something I will leave to the amateurs and the bible grippers.”
“I'm going to hang out with these two sssmoooookin' hotties and fly privately around the world. You know it might be lonely up here, but I sure like the view Alex.”
“A giant marquee name comes through on your caller ID and it's like, winning.”

Of course everyone wanted to know about his lifestyle. Sheen responded openly and unapologetically to the amusement of some and to the Lilly-white sheltered faux-horror of others. Charlie mixed pride, bemusement, and calm acknowledgement when talking about how he gets down.

“I don't know, I was banging 7 gram rocks and finishing them, because I have one speed, I have one gear, go!”
“The run I was on makes Sinatra, Flynn, Jager, Richards, all of 'em just look like, you know, droopy-eyed armless children.”
“-But, you love to party.
What's not to love, I mean the run I was on was epic…”
“There are certain blends that I don't entertain because that's how guys go down...but, you should've read the directions before you showed up at the party.”
“-People say you have an affinity for porn stars.
Well look at what they do, look at what I do, duh.”
“I'm going to hang out with these two sssmoooookin' hotties and fly privately around the world. You know it might be lonely up here, but I sure like the view Alex.”
“We win so radically in our underwear before our first cup of coffee, it's scary.” (Him and the Goddesses)
“[I’m] just a guy that loves the idea, the reality of variety.”
“Once I exercise, I get my Tiger blood boiling and then it's on Howard.”
“-What does it mean you have Tiger Blood?
It's a metaphor for having absolute rocket fuel in my veins when it comes to getting focused and delivering things in a way that just don't exist in a sense of the norm.”
“[A woman involved in a prior police call] lifted a pair of pants off of the scale one day and had a tiny little revolver in the pocket and it fell on the floor and shot through the toilet.”

God, overreaction

The interviews eventually got around to whole ruse of the interview, his war with Chuck Levine, creator of Two and a Half Men. Tired of turning the writer’s tin cans into gold – and after repeated life planning sessions through repeated Apocalypse Now viewings – Charlie let us have a glimpse at his war style.

“It was like, ‘You must let me impose my will all over your face.’” (on Chuck Levine)
“My fire back was a 2000 pound bomb that was laser-guided.”
“Check it Alex, I embarrassed him in front of his children and the world by healing at a pace that his unevolved mind can't process.”
“Well, you've been warned dude, bring it.”
“I don't live in the middle, that's where you get slaughtered, that's where you get embarrassed in front of the prom queen.”
“-What's the future for Charlie Sheen?

Uh, just winning, everyday, defeat not an option.”
“I don't sleep, I wait.”

AA, well, Sheen doesn’t believe in it to say the least.

“This bootleg cult arrogantly referred to as Alcoholics Anonymous sports a 5% success rate. My success rate is 100%, do the math! Take for instance its founder, a desperate and broken-down plagiarist who stayed high on acid until the day he died. I can't seem to find that chapter in his silly book of lies.”
“In 22 years, the only winners I could locate in their toothless warren were either driving a convertible van or living like trolls under some abandoned bridge.”
“I have a disease? Bullshit, I cured myself with my brain, with my mind.”
“I have cleansed myself. I closed my eyes and in a nanosecond I cured myself from this ridiculous model of disease, addiction, and obsession. It's just the work of sissies. The only thing I'm addicted to right now is winning.”
“I'm sober down to my Adonis DNA.”

Many of the hosts were full of inane questions regarding Sheen’s mental state and past. Charlie dismissed them as if they were rhetorical with his laser-guided missile of winning tru—(I can’t keep up with his craziness).

“-Are there any drugs in this house?
If there are, you better find them and give them to me immediately.”
“You already know what they do.
-Because you've watched them (porn stars)?
No, because I'm guessing right.”
“-Some are saying you are bi-polar.
Wow, then what? What's the cure, medicine, to make me like them? Not gonna happen. I'm not bi-polar, I'm bi-winning, I win here and I win there. Now what?”
“-What will your tombstone say?
I don't know, something dot com.”
“-Do you own guns?
No, not anymore, they took them all away.”
“-Why would someone do that to you? (go to the press)
I don't know; retarded zombie.”
“-How was that? (a porn conquest)
I don't know, I was loaded dude.”
“-When is the last time you used?
I use a blender, I use a vacuum cleaner. When is the last time I took or ingested drugs? ... I do not remember. A couple of days before the suits rolled in and said change it, change everything, we are shutting you down.”

Charlie was full of theories on life, some transcendent, some crazy, acid-dream-fueled. Either way, you had to listen to what the Sheen had to say about the attitudes of humanity.

“Oh shame, uhps, move on. What are you going to do change it?”
“'You gotta to work through your resentments.' Yeah, no, I'm going to hang on to them and they are going to fuel my attack. And they are going to fuel the battle cry of my deadly and dangerous and secret and silent soldiers 'cause they're all around you. Anyway, thought you were just messing with one dude, sorry. Winning.”
“Women are not to be hit, they are to be hugged and caressed.”
“(on Denise Richards) She's a complete stone cold hammer.”
“If can walk back to your past when your father locked you in the closet, bring me back a souvenir. Bring me back the ashtray from his office with the burning Swisher Sweet in it.”
“Hope is for suckers and fools.”
“Can't is the cancer of happen.”
“(On death) It's the greatest trip 'cause they save it for last. Ya know, deep.”

Charlie Sheen came off like a drug-addled lunatic who bathed in boiling water everyday during his interviews. (Seriously, how red and raw can his skin get.) But, maybe we are the crazy ones. Maybe we were witnessing cortexs of the brain being used to their full potential for the first time. I mean, in his more lucid moments, he did adhere to a moral code of getting his crew paid and make sense of his legal battle. At times, he seemed to be a master strategist, a statesman even...

“-You sound like Thomas Jefferson.
Well, I'm not Thomas Jefferson. He was a pussy.”

@CharlieSheen: Fastball; this just in, Thomas Jefferson comes forward to sheepishly admit, “Sheen’s right. I am a pussy.” C

Nah, maybe he’s just high.

-K

So Much for Fiscal Responsibility

Stephen Crowley/New York Times

The House of Representatives is getting ready for a dogfight. They are going to cut $100 billion dollars from the budget this year. That shouldn't be too hard since Congress authorized a $110 billion dollar auto bailout and spent $109.5 billion dollars on something called the Term Auction Facility that bought up banks (now pretty much worthless) mortgage-backed securities. Nope, it's going to be near impossible.

Why? Because when you keep giving people more and more money they get used to having it. So, when you try to take it away from them, they get mad and feel it's owed to them and will fight you to the death. They feel like it was their money all along and you are trying to rob them. It's pretty basic human psychology that Congress never seems to grasp. That and you don't spend other people's money, especially if its giant sums, like you would spend your own.

But, besides Congress' unreasoned thinking, they are going to try and cut the $100 billion dollars out of non-security discretionary spending. Which is the equivalent to implementing a salary cap in the NBA, but only on head coaches. Let's see, Medicare/Medicaid, Social Security, and the military account for 60% of the budget. Let's exclude that and apply the cut to the departments that probably shouldn't exist anyway, but will reactively (in a purely innate survival instinct kind of way) cause a huge stir should their money get touched. Why not bring everybody home from Afghanistan and Iraq? That was costing $100 billion a month last time I checked.

Unless, you touch the stuff that actually affects the systemic fiscal instability of the United States, Congress, you are not serious. This is the same arguing-for-show that people who actually believe in this stuff hate. If you are going to "do something about the spending" then ACTUALLY DO SOMETHING.

Eternally frustrated,

-K

Cut the Deficit, Just Not Anything That Causes the Deficit

I saw this graph attached to this article and immediately wanted to explode in rage. Apparently, people think the deficit is a problem that needs to be addressed either now or in the near future. (Yes, agree!) But, when given specifics with how to cut the deficit, most people don't want to touch anything that would actually do that. (Aaahhhh!) The two things that got a majority of support had to do with evil rich people or federal workers. My guess is that most people polled did not fall into those two groups therefore were able to agree with statements that would not affect them. That seemed to follow the theme of the poll. Yeah, cut the budget, but nothing that affects my life.

Listen people, Medicare/Medicaid, Social Security, and Defense are a large majority of the budget; two of those have their own tax. If you are not ready to touch those three things then you are not serious about cutting the budget. This why most of the Tea Party people are full of crap. Yeah, it's nice to say you're a fiscal conservative, I'm one, but if your not ready to privatize Social Security, use vouchers for Medicare, and dial down the Pentagon, you are not a budget hawk. America has 11 aircraft carriers in service. Do you know how many the country with the second most has? Two (UK and Italy). We are currently building three. Maybe we don't need a new $15 billion dollar aircraft carrier every four years since we have the only blue water navy in the world capable of projecting and sustaining its force. You know, stuff like that. Plus, terrorists don't have navies (or jet fighters).

Nobody wants real change, they want a nice speech that blames other people for their problems. I am probably going to scream about this until I die with nothing to show for it. America is finished. Buy gold bars and call it a life.

-K

E-mail to J.Crew

To Whom It May Concern:

First and foremost, I would like to preface this email by letting you know that I am very loyal J.Crew shopper. I have yet to find another store that provides such classic, yet still on-trend, well-fitting clothing that can be worn both at work and at play. Seriously, could there be a more versatile cardigan than the Jackie?!

That being said, I'm writing to you today to express my displeasure and disappointment with the utter state of disarray of the models on JCrew.com. When did Jenny Humphrey from Gossip Girl start moonlighting as one of your stylists? I get that you want to establish that your brand isn't just for WASPs from Greenwich, and hey, I'm all for diversifying your demographic! I guess what I am trying to say is, how am I supposed to know if the Taffeta Marvelle Mini (item # 32465) is the perfect addition to my holiday party ensemble when it looks like the model had far too much to drink at the Office Xmas Party the night before, had a one-night rendezvous with Chris from Accounting, and then tried to wear it to work the next day!? That obviously is not the look I'm trying to achieve. Seriously, though, she looks downright slovenly... I'm willing to overlook the unkempt hair and the heroin chic makeup if the models at least stood up straight so I could get an idea of how something fits.

I appreciate your consideration on the matter and look forward to seeing the models looking more "polished" in the future.

Best Wishes,

C

J. Crew gave this f-- off response:

Thanks for reaching out - really appreciate you taking the time to share
your thoughts with us. Will absolutely pass along to the appropriate
team.

Feel free to contact anytime - always available.

Best,
-----

I Want A Coffee

How hard is it to keep a coffee machine stocked?

On the great show Modern Marvels on the History Channel, they showed one of Home Depot's supply centers. It is the size of a one-cop town in the midwest. They execute a just-in-time inventory system. There are trailer loads full of 5/8ths washers, joyce hangers, and washing machines; nothing stays in the warehouse for more than 25 minutes. BUT, I can't get cups, stirrers, creamers and sugars in the same kitchenette at the same f'n time! Seriously, why do all the ingredients to make a cup of coffee come in haphazardly like we're in Bastogne surrounded by Nazis (watch Band of Brothers). This may seem trivial, but it screws up my whole day because now I have to plan a clandestine raid on other kitchenettes as opposed to doing work. Then, when we do get supplies, I have to hoard them like I'm some crazy white shut-in whose sister's death he can't get over so he lives among 8 years of garbage and 7 feral cats. Just keep the coffee supplies readily at hand, so I don't have to celebrate like Captain Planet was summoned every time I want a cup.

Who is the person ordering the flavors also? Do we need 4 rows of house blend? Multiple Columbia and Hazelnut? Yeah, that stuff goes, but give me one drawer of something cool. I mean I work in financial services so every other person is Asian. But, of course we only have two drawers of Green Tea which fly threw inventory to the point where people are clawing at the display case packet. Mix it up and know your demo Admin-who-orders-this-stuff!

-K

C Mailbag

I asked C, "Is this the most pretenious Yelp review ever?"

Timothy M.

Boston, MA

Ok. So I had heard about the charm about Carmen and it's romantic atmosphere in this tiny N. End dining spot. I read Melanie's review as well the others and looked up the Phantom Gourmet's review (which was surprisingly good) but I decided I will give it a try and form my own opinion. I made a reservation as they suggested, since the restaurant fills up fast especially on a Saturday night. The staff was friendly, although you this should be an expectation from everyone where you go and spend your hard earned money. The atmosphere was indeed charming. The dining room was tiny and crammed with small tables. Yet there were many candles giving it a more romantic like atmosphere (although I would not give Carmen the award for romance.) The food - the reason why most of us go out - was disappointing. To say it may be the best restaurant in Boston tells me that many readers hardly ever or never go out and if they do, they don't know what good food is. The truth is the food at Carmen was average or mediocre at best. It might have been better than a Vinny Testa's or Maggiano's but if so it would be a close race. You simply cannot say the food was good when you have other places of comparison such as The White Barn Inn in ME exists (BTW a PG 97 rating http://preview.tinyurl...
Per Se in NYC setting a world wide standard - http://perseny.com/ or French Laundry - http://www.frenchlaund.../ and closer to home restarurants like Clio & Mistral (with only 90 PG ratings BTW.) Before you can comment that the food might be the best ever, you have to first understand the rules. The rules are you must rate experiences on the full range, not in a vacuum. Carmen has not won national or international awards of excellence and it never will. There are good restaurants, great ones, excellent ones and then the very few standing on the top of the pyramid. Those few that do are like the great quarterbacks and athletes of our time. They simply are not that many relative to the population. The simple fact is the food here is what you would expect from the N. End - it was very average. You don't go somewhere and pay north of $25/$30 for a dish an expect mediocracy. You should instead expect excellence. Not here. If you want to try good food then instead of eating out twice or three times wait and save up your money for one of the places above and only then will you experience what true culinary talent can bring to your palete. Sorry Carmen but you are just like alot of other folks- very, very average.

Her response:
I feel like I should write to Tim and be like, honestly pal, great that you threw out two of Tom Keller's retaurants promptly after his new book was published and the James Beard Contenders just came out, but seriously, have you eaten at either of his restaurants???

Also, given his logic, contextually, shouldn't you rate restaurants on their demographic? For example, I loved the wings at the chicken bone, and would've given it 3 stars in that it was a good, convenient wing & beer place and it surpassed my expectations as such. I wouldn't put it up against Mario Batali's restarant in NYC (which PS I have eaten at) or even Strega or any one of Todd English's restaurants because they aren't comparable in their offerings...

I want to go toe-to-toe with Tim. What a dink!

Also, Tim spelt palate wrong. What a tool. I hate him.

She also had some Matt Lauer thoughts/panic attacks:

Matt Lauer cheated on his wife?!? I am more upset hearing this right now than I was over the following (in no particular order):

1.) My bday party invitations being backordered, and subsequently disco’d by the mfr

2.) Big Papi admitted juicing

3.) Tiger Woods train of beautiful, upstanding mistresses

4.) Jesse James cheating on Sandra Bullock. SANDRA BULLOCK!

5.) Britney Spears circa 2007

6.) Jason Varitek getting divorced due to infidelity

7.) Lindsey Lohan’s downward spiral post-mean girls

8.) The package store being closed by time I got home on Monday night

9.) John Mayer’s recent playboy interview

10.) That time you tricked me into watch the NFL draft.

If Matt Lauer (MATT LAUER!) and his hot wife can’t make it work, what are we doing?

...But it’s matt lauer! He isn’t famous really either. He’s supposed to be the all-american everyman! How could he do this?

-K

Artistically Challenged

If TV producers and movie makers could somehow send me promos of shows/movies beforehand, I could save them a ton of cash. ABC is now promoting a new show called Romantically Challenged which looks to be an overproduced, banal-humor-laden, safe, generic pile of crap. It will no doubt recycle lockstep stereotypes, trite, canned one-liners, and ridden into the ground like a Tiger mistress storylines. (But, she's not married, she's divorced!) It's all the same. If ABC had just talked to me, I could have told them, "Stop...stop...stop talking...no it's awful."

There is nothing especially bad about RomChan, (I've never seen an episode, I just know it will be bad. Prejudging? yes Correct? yes) it's just the same lowest common denominator horrible safe humor that network television seems to be all about. It's the same in movies. C gets pissed when I watch the lastest rom-com mad-lib preview and just cannot help myself by finishing the plot. (They fall in love despite the circumstances...every time...without fail.) She almost kicked me out of the theater during He's Just Not That Into You which had promise in the beginning and then turned on everything it believed in half way through. (Don't get married Ben Affleck, you won, she agreed, aaahhhh) I couldn't help but start a social commentary with a quarter of the movie still to go. Everyone of those art bastardizations deadens my nerves a little bit more. (She's uptight, he doesn't play by the rules!) Sometimes a writer will really gamble like author/rebel John Hamburg who pitched Along Came Polly as he's uptight and she doesn't play by the rules. Ugh. It's the same everytime people! Stand up for quality! George Clooney gets his heart ripped out in Up In The Air; oscar-nomination.

Why does it continue to happen? Well, of course money. These are pre-packaged, streamlined, efficient cash cows. Insert name actor and actress here. A self-serving entertainment exec will of course substitute original thought for free cash flow. They don't have any incentive not to. It's the same with actors. Just look at Jennifer Ainiston. She keeps making this same slop every year. At least have the decency to use the film as an elaborate ploy to bang your co-star like Gerard Butler did to you. The producers of these shows are guilty of having sedentary brains as well. Charlie Sheen can not wear a bowling shirt and cargo shorts every day of his life! That's lazy character molding. Do they think if he wears jeans people won't perceive the male fantasy ethos they have bestowed on him? No, don't make them think, aaahhhh.

I'm not an literary elitest snob Slate editor, I own the A-Team on DVD. I just want the entertainment industry to stop rehashing the same tired shit they've been recycling over and over. It's insulting. It's mentally insulting to me. Get some new cookie-cutters Hollywood. But, what do I know The Big Bang Theory is still on television?

At least Lost is on tonight.

-K

LeBron James Is Not Coming to the Knicks

Although this image is what every Knick fan would love to see in 2010, it's just not going to happen. Despite having a girth of contracts coming off the rolls after the 2009-10 season for the Knicks, the spectre of Isiah Thomas still remains. The Knicks DO NOT have a first round draft pick in 2010. Yeah, Utah has it. Eddy Curry, a chubby undersized center, and Jared Jeffries - who? exactly. - are both sitting on the chest of the Knicks' salary cap. Should Donnie Walsh hoodwink LeBron into coming to New York, the Knicks would have a tough time assembling anything resembling a playoff team. When you look at the contract situation for the Knicks, your hopes diminish quickly for a LeBorgasm of NBA championships happening at MSG.

A little math and reasoning will help explain my point. LeBron is going to sign for the max obviously. Under the current CBA, NBA players can earn no less than 105% of their current salary. That puts LeBron at $16,568,908 for 2009-2010, slightly higher than the max salary. This actually would be a pay cut for LeBron because he has a player option for next year that would pay him over seventeen million. But, considering the CBA is up for renegotiation in two years and his desire to play for a contender, he is likely to opt out and lock up a max deal.

The Knicks are not likely to resign any of their expiring contracts. 1) Because most of them are grossly overpaid and/or suck and 2) why would you align them to expire for 2010 if you were going to resign them. The Knicks have four players still on the rookie scale and both Eddy Curry and Jared Jeffries have player options they would be stupid not to exercise. Assuming they keep the Rooks, the roster starts off this way in 2010:

Eddy Curry $ 11,276,863
Jared Jeffries $ 6,883,800
Danilo Gallinari $ 3,304,560
Jordan Hill $ 2,669,520
Wilson Chandler $ 2,130,481
Toney Douglas $ 1,071,000
Lebron James $16,568,908

That's $43,905,132 of a $57,700,000 cap before you build out your team.

Because the Knicks will be under the cap for the first time since the Iron age, salary cap exceptions won't come into play next year. A NBA team can either have cap room or exceptions, but it can't have both. Still, $13,794,868 is a decent amount of cash to sign players.

The Knicks would need a point guard to start off with. Since reactions to Chris Duhon have been tepid at best and suicidal at worst, I think the organization might go in a different direction. The hardcore Knicks fans at the UltimateKnicks forum came up with some reasonable suggestions, mainly Ray Felton or Randy Foye. I'll use the mid-level exception as a proxy for either of those two's salary. The Knicks would need to fill out the frontcourt next. My guess it that they could convince David Lee to resign for $6.5 mil if they gave him a five year deal. That would make the Knicks undersized, but a slow plodding center doesn't really fit in the 7 seconds or less run and gun style of Mike D'Antoni. Sounds like a decent team until you realize you now only have $1,440,868 to fill 5 roster spots including a starting shooting guard. That's not even enough to pay Nate to keep racking up DNPs. If you went with this plan, the resulting roster would be:

PG Ray Felton or Randy Foye
SG 4th best SG from the D league
SF LeBron James
PF Danilo Galinari/Wilson Chandler
C David Lee

That doesn't look like a LeBorgasm, it looks like a LeBortion.

See, this is where having a top 5 pick in the draft would have helped. You could draft a SG or a C and be able to sign him, even if you were over the cap. But no, Isiah had to trade the unprotected 2010 1st round pick to the Suns for Stephon Marbury in 2003. His thinking was probably, "I won't be here when that happens." Maybe he was shrewder than we think...naaaahhh. Just to reiterate: THE NEW YORK KNICKS DO NOT HAVE A FIRST ROUND PICK IN 2010.

So what's the solution? Move Curry or Jeffries? That would be nice, but NO ONE is taking on Curry's contract unless the Clippers stupidly trade Kaman to save a year on his contract and set themselves up for a run at Kobe in 2011-12. Curry is dead weight. No team would take him especially when a lot of other teams are trying to align themselves the same way the Knicks are for the coming free agent class. As for Jeffries, the Knicks have been supposedly been "showcasing" him lately. He has showcased himself to the tune of 4 points and 3 rebounds per game. Again, I don't think anyone is biting.

I hate to say it, but the Knicks just don't have the pieces to lure LeBron to NYC. Even if he was dead set on coming to New York, they would still be a few years away from a championship. The Knicks are in a tough spot especially with expectations mounting. But, the pickings are slim after the top 3 free agents. The Knicks should probably wait this thing out another year. Curry and Jefferies will be gone and they will have a draft pick. I'm hoping one of basketball's cornerstone franchises returns to greatness or even 3-seed Eastern Conference Finals semi-greatness, but it is not going to happen with LeBron in blue and orange. Sorry.

Sources: Larry Coon's Salary Cap Info, Sham Sports' great player salary page

-K

P.S. I would love to see LeBron in NYC, so feel free to shred my assumptions, mock my theory and figure out a better way to get him here.

Gossip Girl

C sent me this link about the Parents Television Council. It of course pissed me off, so I wrote up a response for the CW:

Dear Family Parent Television Council or whatever,

You and your kind are the same people who got television stations to adopt a TV rating system and television manufacturers to adopt the V-chip. The FCC has turned into a completely unchecked authority on broadcast content even though every channel has a standards board. We are choosing to show an admittedly racy episode involving teenage sexuality because that is what our viewers want. You have every right to shield your children from our TV show and to even start a boycott to encourage others to do the like. But, at what point do you stop infringing upon people’s personal freedoms? When to do you stop imposing your morals on the whole of society and allow for individuals and parents to be personally accountable? We live in a free society, so you are free to howl about the immorality of overt displays of young people's sexuality, but we are also free to show it, so f--- you.

XOXO

Seems pretty reasonable right? I mean the show already has Chuck Bass as a character, so it's obviously not based in reality. Lighten up PTC. But, I guess that isn't what they do.

Also, C and her friends like to side with these "save the children" people when it comes to mandating through law that fast food places put up caloric information, but when these same types try to take their Gossip Girl away, look out. Freedom for me, but not for McDee I guess. That's why you just have to let people decide for themselves.

-K

I'm fired up today, don't expect it to last.

Gay Marriage

Never underestimate the power of indifference.

In the fight for gay marriage, laziness not bigotry has been the main opponent. Maine recently became the 31st state to not allow gay marriage. I think one of Newton's Laws of Motion, inertia, is to blame. Every election has zealous supporters on both sides of an issue. But, those people are out-numbered by the part of the voting-age population that could not give a crap. This is what kills the gay rights ballot questions every year.

Religious fanatics (if they are Christian, they are called conservative, if they are Muslim, they are called terrorists) swell the memberships of groups with names like The Family Institute and champion the cause of "family values." They are mostly filled with cheating husbands, prudish wives and self-hating gays. (Do a Google search for Evangelist and either gay or prostitute or both.) Their main assertion is that allowing gay marriage would be an attack on the institution of marriage. This, of course, is complete bullshit because if you really wanted to strengthen the institution of marriage, you would attack its main plague, divorce.

The proponents have one main constituency mainly, gays. Friends and family add to the movement, but they just don't have numbers to compete with the family values people. The family values people play up people's visceral reactions to aberrational lifestyles and the tide is set in motion. The subliminal message is "aren't you grossed out by homosexuality?" So, your family values message gets into the heads of people who are actively choosing to go to the polls and take a side.

This is where the gay marriage movement stalls. I can only attest to this anecdotaly and I admittedly skew to a younger demographic, but I've asked people what they think about gay marriage. Their answer is usually, "Who cares? or I don't give a f--- or whatever or why are you interrupting my sedentary lifestyle with these heavy societal questions, I'm trying to watch TV now shut the f--- up." I bet if you polled these passive observers (people who don't give a sh-t) you would find a (default) acceptance of gay marriage. People ultimately don't want to be bothered. They just want to say yeah, whatever leave me alone.

Your challenge gay marriage proponents is to get these people off their butt and into the game. This is a tough task since a body at rest will stay at rest. The easier route would be to fight the "gross-out" campaign. More Tim Gunn and lipstick lesbians and less making out on the capital steps. Do you remember Al Gore giving his wife a tongue bath? People were grossed out by that and he was straight.

More this, less that:

Ultimately though, gay marriage people your fight is not one against bigotry and intolerance, it is one against the recliner and the couch. Indifference is a great demotivater. Christ, look how long it takes between posts on this site. Did I die of the Swine Flu? No, of course not, because it's certainly ludicrous to be more worried about that than getting killed by say falling debris or being pregnant, or just about anything else that can kill you including the regular flu that's 4000 times more deadly, I just didn't give a crap for a while. Sloth is a deadly sin after all.



-K