Nick Swisher

It's been a while, but I had to chime in on this stat line:

.458 BA, 4 HR, 1.208 SLG

1.0 IP, 2.00 WHIP, 0.00

I had to ask myself, "Is Nick Swisher the real life Steve Nebraska from The Scout?" He is crushing balls like a NOW executive and blowing away people on the mound as well. Swish is the ultimate force in baseball, feared at the plated and cowered away from on the hill. I'm not saying the Swish is throwing 120 like Encino Man or hitting 600 foot bombs, but the guy is single-handedly keeping the Yankees alive right now. Jeter was 1-20 going into the 4/14 game against the D-Rays (and yes they are still and always will be the D-Rays to me). Teixeira has auto-erotic inflammation, Chien-Ming Wang can't get out of the 3rd inning, A-Rod is thinking of more things that people think about him, essentially paralyzing him, so the Swish says F-it, I'm putting this team on my back. Swish's agent definitely messed up on this one. Back when CC was all the talk of the Yankees off-season and sounded about as excited to come to New York as a Reserve who got stop-lossed back to Iraq, he should have had the Swish on exhibition. His agent has got to have him out there lighting up radar guns and then crushing balls over the darkened fence of a empty major league park. All he would have had to do was assemble all of the GMs in baseball in one spot to do a secret bid based on a single workout by a talent that no one has ever heard of. This must have been what happened with at least half of the Dominican players right? All you really need is Theo Epstien. I'm sure his bid would have looked like this:

50 million, no
51 million, no
51.1 million, no
1 billion dollars

Seriously though, my favorite part was that Swish hadn't pitched since he was a freshman in high school, but he still got one strikeout. Gabe Kapler must be getting some much crap for that. Your 8-games-in MVP, Nick Swisher.

-K

Bag Check

The Transit Police were doing random bag searches at Downtown Crossing Friday. They seem like nice enough guys. But, I think if I made over $100,000 working for a bloated, debt-laden, too-big-to-fail "independent" Transportation Board, I'd be pretty happy too. Anyway, I have had to have my bag checked twice. They take a swab, wipe it down the side of your bag and put it in a GE portable gas chromatograph, which probably cost 80 grand (you have to love the T's dedication to fiscal responsibility and knee-jerk terrorism responses). My question is: Does this really do anything?


The answer is no. If I was a terrorist, I could blow up the T if I really wanted to. These random screenings will do nothing. Your anti-terrorism plan has flaws if it could be thwarted by taking the Orange line instead of the Red line. You don't need to be a terrorist to want to blow up the T either. All you have to do is watch 3 full Red line trains pull in to Downtown Crossing before giving up and walking to South Station to get a cab to take you to where the 20 minute T ride was supposed to for a fraction of the cost. Or ride the Green line once. Seriously MBTA, I'm sure the Red Sox would supply with a schedule of their home games. On those home games, many people use the Park St. station to take the Green line to Fenway. To get there on time for say a 7:00 game, people start getting on the T at 5:30, coinciding with the rush hour commute of three quarters of the city. Maybe a two street car C line every 10 minutes is not going to cut it.

What the hell do the Transit Police do anyway? I saw two of them take a bum off of the T once, but that is about it. Most of the violence on the T, occurs you know, on the T. So, why are the Transit Police always above ground. Maybe if you pared down on the Beruit level tactical unit, you could prevent the once a month robberies and twice a year shootings on the Orange line. Or, at least tell the guy who lit up the incense on the T that one time to put it out.

In essence, the Transit Police are engaging in what some security experts call "security theater". Everyone has a knee jerk reaction to big shocking events and then they say, "do something" to government because they feel helpless. So, the MBTA Police, goes "OK, fine, we'll buy this $80,000 machine, so you feel safe," even though it does nothing. You play along because it only takes 10 seconds and that machine sure looks like a expensive terrorism catcher. You could make a civil liberties, 4th amendment argument, if you really wanted to be a dick about it. Meanwhile, the reason you might have to pay yet another fare hike is because this Transit cop didn't score high enough on the Sergeant's test for the BPD, so he took this job and some bureaucrat thought it was a good idea to guarantee him 100% of his salary in a pension payment for the rest of his life. The Transit cops do seem like good, decent people, but you want me to pay the second fare hike in 5 years after 30 years of zero fare hikes (exaggerated) for no increase in service because the MBTA can't cover you ludicrous benefits package. Um, NO.

It's not just the Transit cops either. Why do you think every T is driven by a person who they would decline at McDonald's? Benefits. Pensions. Unions. I could keep going on the T because I take this physical representation of horrible government monopolism (might not be a word) everyday. But, hey, if you want to keep going on with this farce instead of doing stuff that would fix actual problems, then go ahead, check my bag. I need to get home.

-K

Free Bagels

I have had to suffer through enough orientations and training sessions to realize the power of free food. I am fully convinced you could hold a Hitler Youth rally if you told people there would be pizza. It is really amazing how people, myself included, will line up for a painfully awkward gathering of fellow faceless white collar slaves to say his/her name, what group they are in and one interesting fact about themselves for the bagels promised at the end. I always feel bad for the rookie H.R. person who gives out the food first. You have just lost your entire audience. What's that? Now, you are going to go into to your presentation on Daily Methodologies for Fund Class Calculations. Sorry, checked out. I remember going to the banquet at the end of Biddy Basketball one year and it was a buffet of fast food (McDonald's, Taco Bell, KFC). Heaven. There is no greater bait for the homo sapien than free food, even if it is crap. So, next time you need people to show up for something, just promise food, but if it's free Grand Slams at Denny's it might not be the cross-section of people you were hoping for.

-K

The Old Woman Who Lived In a Shoe… 2009 Edition

Now, for those of you that are followers of Random Tandem (what up, L. Woods!), consider yourself warned that the below post is unusually serious for me, C. Please know that I will try to write about important issues like celebrity gossip (can you believe Chris Brown assaulted Rihanna!?!?) and Rock of Love Bus (can you believe Brett had Ashley sleep over in his bus, and that he told those girls they transformed from regular people to skanks stay on tour!? Crazy!), but I’ve been reading a lot about that crazy lady with 14 children, and I thought that the world (aka you) was probably dying for my opinion on the matter. Well, today is your lucky day… Plus, Gossip Girl was a repeat last night.

Have you ever babysat like more than 4 kids? It’s utter chaos. Now add ten more and imagine that you’ve got these kids all hopped up on pixie sticks and soda and you can’t leave them with someone else and go home. Oh, wait, that’s right… I don’t think you can buy Pixie Sticks or Soda on food stamps. So, maybe Ms. Nadya Suleman is in the clear. Because raising 14 children can’t be that hard, right? Especially if you love them… right?

Nadya Suleman keeps saying that she loves children and she loves her children. But, if she really loved her children would she bring them into a world when she could not possible afford to provide them with the kind of life they deserve? They didn’t ask to be born into and live in these kind of conditions: http://www.radaronline.com/photos/2009/02/nadya_suleman_octuplet_mom.php
Please don’t get me wrong: I’m not saying you need to be rich to have children, but you need to be able to provide for them (both financially and emotionally) and she clearly cannot do that on student loans (but, she can afford a publicist?). Nor can one person possibly provide enough attention and support that each child requires, especially in their developmental years. The point I’m trying to make is that if Nadya Suleman really loved her children, she would have put her desire to have children to the wayside for a bit and waited until she was financially stable and secure before bringing any children into this world, let alone 14. Why didn’t she want to save the money used for her most recent in vitro fertilization to provide for her other 6 children? One would think... but this is why Nadya Suleman is not a good mother. She continues to put her needs before those of her children. The fact that Child Services hasn’t taken these children away from her is appalling to me (maybe they’re impacted by the new forced furloughs in Cali?). She cannot provide for them on any level… financially or emotionally. She has a very childish view of love: that if you say it it’s enough… it’s not enough. I’m not saying I have all of the answers about love, I’m young and have a lot of growing and learning left to do, I’m just saying real love is selfless. Real love is when you put your needs on the back burner to make sure that the person/people/children you love are as happy as they possibly can be… now, that being said, does Nadya Suleman really love her children? Or do you think that maybe all of the couples that desperately try to have just one child and can’t, maybe would love her children more? Just some food for thought…

-C

A-Rod PR Genius

A-Rod admitted to Peter Gammons that he did steroids. Well he admitted that he was naive and that he did a lot of shopping at GNC and he really hates Selena Roberts or something like that. Regardless, this is the best move for him. He admits it, says he's sorry, answers a few other questions, and then moves on. I don't know why more players don't do this if you are getting chased by the media, camera-preening politicians, or Selena Roberts. Look at Andy Pettite. I've totally forgotten about the HGH stuff. All I can remember is how he screwed himself out of 5 million dollars this offseason. Look at Jason Giambi. He kind of half apologized for nothing in particular, now the Yankees are just glad to have him off of the payroll. But, then you look at Mark "Drugs are bad, um-K" McGwire, Sammy "No Ingles" Sosa, and Barry "Pedro Gomez has a stool sample of mine" Bonds and people just will not get over it.

This sanctity of the game argument is bogus as well. People don't care if you tried to better yourself illegally, just don't mess up their three team parlay by bribing people or throwing games. All of this "black spot" nonsense is stupid. I'm in the Jason Whitlock camp of sports as entertainment. People who enjoy sports want to see teams competing at their best. If players are juicing themselves up to entertain you, don't you think it's a little ridiculous to get mad about it. Hey, that Selena Roberts really is to blame anyway. There is a least one journalist that is writing an A-Rod article right now and then blowing some lines off of a toilet Jamal Anderson style.

Ultimately, people hate lying. They will hunt you like Ice Tea in Surviving the Game if there is pretty clear evidence you are lying. Their goal is to get you to admit it, after you do, there is nothing left except maybe jail time. Now, A-Rod admitted it, he said he's sorry, there will be a big spike in sanctimonious blowhardness about how he is a cheater, a liar, a robber baron, Justice League supervillian, and then people will get back to bitching about how he collapses in the playoffs. Roid users should follow A-rod's lead. After all, he probably has a better, more expensive PR team than you anyway. C could probably elucidate how good of a PR job that was.

Side note: A-Rod, how often do you go to GNC? Christ, it seemed like he was their supplements buyer. Selena Roberts, you just made A-Rod's list. ("Right, Peter, but Selena Roberts is a psycho muck-raker."). What is with the puckered lips for half of the interview?

-K

Playing Soccer

I was at a work party with C recently and, after standing in the kitchen eating some appetizers, I said this to her: "The hosts seem like nice people, but her kids definitely play soccer." Here's how I knew:

They fit the soccer player parent demographic perfectly. The hosts were a rich white couple (not Cribs rich, but the kind of rich that makes them refer to themselves as upper middle class even though their combined income puts them in the top 5% of taxpayers.) They also had a clean house and not just “cleaned up before guests arrive” clean, like “not lived-in” clean. The combination of these two things, to me, implies that they would never let their little Dylan or Madison play in a contact sport where their feelings, nevermind their bodies, could be hurt. Hence, soccer is the perfect egalitarian everyone just run around and have fun weak ass sport for their spoiled white kids. Now, American soccer is different from European football where there are elite leagues, training, and discipline. American soccer is mainly played by privileged white kids and South American kids who are waaay better. The parents who have kids that play soccer aren’t bad people; they just insulate their kids to a point where they cannot face any hardships on their own. So, being the over-protective hoverers that they are, they would never think to let little Julian play football, where the coach might yell at them and they might get hurt or they wouldn’t get to play as much as a kid who is better than them. These kind of parents ruin everything because they petition the league commissioner any time a coach has a curt word for their kid or any modicum of discipline is applied to their “precious” or there is one little hazing death. Every parent wants to protect their child, but isn’t the greatest accomplishment a parent could have seeing their child succeed in the real world on their own using what they taught little (insert trendy non-Biblical child name)?

As I see it, when you refer to a white kid as someone who “plays soccer”, you are basically saying he is white, sheltered, slightly out-of-touch with anything that goes on with households earning under $250,000. Again, soccer-player parents aren’t bad people, they are caring, involved, and protective, but to a fault. There are worse things to be I guess (e.g. uninvolved parents, whole other post), but ease up a little. Expose your kids to discipline, competition, life in general because yeah, Kaddy might get into Brown, but she is going to do more LSD than Hunter S. Thompson.

Please note that if this post comes off as macho in a “my kid can kick your kid’s ass” kind of way, it is not meant like that. I find the macho parents to be much worse and often think their standard response to everything of “beat ‘em up” is aggressively ignorant. They tend to force their kids into macho things to toughen them up only leading them to grow up to be quick-tempered angry boors who talk in strictly blue collar clichés…and start the cycle all over again. There are extremes on both ends, but finding a medium approach leads to well-adjusted independent productive members of society like myself. This is also not a putdown of soccer. I played a year of soccer growing up and later football. Soccer just seems to be the sport of choice for the “Lilies”. While soccer may have its better qualities, there is nothing more eye-opening and maturing than your football coach questioning your sexuality after a half-hearted block attempt.

-K

Quick Hits: Jan. 27, 2009

Cardinals money line, +210 Lock it up!

The Last Templar, I tuned in, but you lost me with the cell phone usage just like 24. There are no cell towers in the middle of the desert! Get it together producers. Just because your Blackberry is biomorphed to your ear and your using Sedona for the Sahara doesn't mean you can get bars anywhere.

Boston, third snowstorm in three weeks tomorrow. Love it. Did you know that the number of inches of snow is perfectly correlated with the number of Southie tire slashings/window breakings/murders (post-Whitey)?

Jessica Simpson, what happened? You went from hot big-time singer/actress to flabby chili cookoff headliner. If you see a guy in cowboy boots and a cowboy hat with a clock on it, you know what that means. Time for Chili.