Euro States

Have you ever wondered how big European countries are compared to states in the US? No? Well, I was bored. Take that Slovenia!

-K

Steroids

Steroids saved baseball. The homers started flying and everyone was cheering. Mark McGwire turned into a Paul Buynan-level living folk legend right before our eyes. Baseball pariah, Jose Canseco, tells everybody who will (and many who don't want to) listen he and many others were on the juice the whole time. We applauded the thrills and jeered the cheating.

But, the cheating is what we liked. Think about it, these men were willing to negatively affect their health for your entertainment. At this point, you should be pissed if your favorite player didn't do steroids. Roughly the entire league is out their trying to get an edge and Johnny Morals is not going to harm himself for my amusement. Not to mention, the increase in production leads to bigger contracts. So, now you are rude and stupid. In the "loosey-goosey" era of steroids, many (most/all) players were voluntarily injecting themselves with needles to boost their stats by 10-20%. Would you shoot up something that shrinks your balls to be ten percent better at your job? No, no you wouldn't.

-K

Shoelaces

You sell dress shoes do you not Marshalls, Macy's, TJ Maxx, Men's Warehouse? Why the F don't you sell dress shoelaces. Thank you guy at Men's Warehouse who told me to go to CVS. I went there already. The ones they sell in between the condoms and the glue sticks aren't cutting it. That's why I'm coming to you. The dress/casual combo ones at Payless next to the Dora the Explorer sandals weren't going to do the job either (too thick, more casual than dress). Thank you DSW or congratulations on your process-of-elimination victory. They had one kind of brown shoelaces. I could have done without the whole coupon newsletter sales pitch for my $2.50 purchase though. Especially, since I said I already received the coupons in the mail hoping to speed my process only to have to feign being dismayed that they had no record of me under the fake phone number I gave them or my last name. Ah, well.

-K

Help the Homeless

...by putting them out of their collective misery.

Behold the majesty of Poverty Eradication Day. To participate in Poverty Eradication Day, just submit $100 deposit to your local food bank/soup kitchen. You will then receive a voucher, good at the same location, to give to an ambition-challenged substance abuser. This voucher will be good for free meals at the sponsoring food bank for one year. The hope is that those giving to this altruistic event will enable many bums to rid themselves of the daily fear of where to find a meal.

BONUS: If you act now, sponsoring organizations will throw in a gun with one bullet and a job application to hand out the Metro at various T stops throughout the city of Boston. Suggested recipients for Metro applications are the alcoholics who hold the door open for you at 7-11 and CVS. Simply, give them the application and say, "See you can do essentially the same thing and get paid for it." The single chambered-round gun however is only to be used on bums not the homeless. To tell the difference, a real homeless person, probably won't ask you for change, will be past out where he fell from walking around all night looking for a place to sleep, and will have all of his Earthly possessions with him, usually in a shopping cart (for mobility). A bum will look able-bodied, recently shaven, decently dressed, and will have no sense of shame. Also, the homeless move around a lot (probably due to not actually having a home), but bums will be at the same spot all the time asking you for money. It will appear as if they have a place to sleep, food to eat, and the ability to push a broom. Please only shoot these people.

Together, will the help of our communities, we can help eradicate poverty...and finally get these motherf(&%^s to stop asking me for change. We can eradicate poverty with a meal to the stomach or a bullet to the brain. Participate in Poverty Eradication Day today!

-K (founder)

Bear Patrol

Homer: Not a bear in sight. The Bear Patrol must be working like a charm.

Lisa: That's specious reasoning, Dad.

Homer: Thank you, dear.

Lisa: By your logic I could claim that this rock keeps tigers away. [Holds up a rock]

Homer: Oh, how does it work?

Lisa: It doesn't work.

Homer: Uh-huh.

Lisa: It's just a stupid rock.

Homer: Uh-huh.

Lisa: But I don't see any tigers around, do you?

[Homer pauses, then pulls out some money]

Homer: Lisa, I want to buy your rock.

I got my bag checked again and I saw the MBTA Tac Unit again within two days of each other. I know they are just doing their jobs, but do they really think this makes a difference. I asked the woman who swabbed my bag, "Catch any terrorists yet?," which is, admittedly, a dick thing to say, but her response, "Tryin'." Well guess what, you never will because this crap doesn't work. I really wanted to say, "Do you think this does an f'n thing to stop terrorists?", but I wanted to get home more. You don't have to be James Bond to beat the bag check. Send one of the other guys from your cell down the stairs first. Text "Clear" or "Use Red Line side" to the bomb guy. Boom, beaten. Now, your 5-officer homeland security team looks like a bunch of goonish military vets that wanted the best benefits in the country or knew a state rep. (Wait.)

Interestingly, simplistically, and absurdly, you can beat the tac unit the same way. But wait, the tac unit is a "deterrent" to terrorism. Right. Well, to borrow from the Simpsons quote above, my work bag is a deterrent to terrorism as well. The counter argument to that is the tac unit has AR-15s and bomb-sniffing dogs and stuff that can stop terrorists. True, so if they do catch someone, the tac unit is "proven" to be effective, but no terrorist would walk into that (come on terrorists, have some pride, you're supposed to hate Western decadence so much and you walk right into a bloodhound and guns, you're supposed to be the next great video game villains, the Nazis are over 50 years old for crying out loud). Plus, you can't prove that the tac unit is NOT working. But, you also can't prove my work bag is NOT deterring terrorists because you can't prove a negative. Then, 9/11 happens, and the Spanish trains, and the London Subway, and the Indian hotels, and so on and so on. I'm sure the Tube had Transit Police. And Tac Units. What is the answer to these; more tac units? Hey, we can't catch all the terrorists. Neither can my bag.

We can't stop terrorism completely and this freaks us out. This is why we invade countries, carpet bomb capitals that have nothing to do with terrorists, can't wear shoes through security checkpoints, swab bags and have trained law enforcement officers standing around waiting for Mohammed Atta to walk up to them. If someone really wants to blow us up, they can. It sucks and you can try and prevent it, but when we all start freaking out so much that it clouds our minds, inhibits our freedoms and affects our daily lives, that is truly when the terrorists win.

"The price of freedom is eternal vigilance." - Thomas Jefferson

Go arrest some vagrants, MBTA, my bag is watching.

-K

Swine Flu

Millions are infected. Over 700 people have died in the United States alone. The CDC has called for the closing of schools, churches, businesses, and bars to prevent the spread of this pandemic. The Surgeon General's office has called for home testing to catch the early onset symptoms of the disease. They include nausea, vomiting, fever, and fatigue. People are streaming into hospitals around the country.

"It's everywhere. Every day there is a new case. I see it all the time," said registered nurse Sandy Duncan of Brigham and Women's Hospital in Boston.

Fears are rising among families that the disease could strike repeatedly over a number of years as it mutates. It has several preventative measures of both over the counter and prescription strength, yet the disease has still found a way to spread.

"People are just not educated enough on the subject," said local Health teacher Jordon Grevis. "Young people especially need to worry about this disease because it can spread quickly when large groups congregate together frequently."

Religious groups are offering their support through the ordeal. Churches have set up counseling programs to help people afflicted with the disease and to support the families involved. Congress, also recently, is looking into funding prevention medicines and education on the matter. Forty five billion has already been spent this fiscal year on emergency legislation that was rushed through Congress. So far, there has been no progress and people are wondering where the money has gone.

"Do something, do something, people are scared and don't know what to do or who to turn to," local community leader Jamal Chamberly exclaimed to officials present at a quarantine hearing.

Opinions are galvanized on the matter across the country. The disease needs to stop.

You've been hearing a lot of stories like this in the past months. More and more people affected not only in the United States, but globally. But, you actually haven't heard this story because I made it up. The disease is pregnancy. According to the CDC's data for 2006 (Table 10), 760 women have died due to pregnancy in the United States. Swine Flu has killed 700 people in the world. So being pregnant is more dangerous than the F'N Swine Flu. So, can we all chill with the surgical masks and non-stop pumping on the Purell bottle. Humans are terrible assessors of risk as witnessed by the irrational behavior associated with Bird Flu, Mad Cow disease, Foot and Mouth disease, West Nile virus, SARS, African Killer Bees, subprime mortgages, Iraq, domestic automobile industries, hoping people will listen to reason, etc. Enough with the Swine Flu.

-K

National Treasure 2

Warning: Contains sentence fragments and you might not get it unless you watch National Treasure: Book of Secrets.



What can draw me out of a 2 and a half week hiatus?, Nic Cage of course. I watched National Treasure: Book of Secrets or National Treasure 2 as Starz On Demand named it. Why did I do this? As Sir Edmund Hillary put it when asked why he climbed Mount Everest, "because it's there." I want to try and give a chronological synopsis of the sheer ridiculousness that is NTBS, but there is just so much flying at you it might get garbled.

First off, I'm not a hater, I am fully willing to sit back and be entertained by an action movie and just buy in. I OWN Steven Segal movies. I will go along with some crazy conspiracy theory plot line. I've read all of Dan Brown's and Michael Crichton's stuff. I will buy in, I promise you. BUT, complete random lunacy is where I stop. NTBS does not fail in this regard.

Spoiler Alert: They find the treasure and everyone falls in love along the way. It's actually not a spoiler alert, I got that much from the Disney production label. Of course, the first time we see Nic Cage, playing Professor Ben Gates, he says he was thrown out of his house by his girlfriend. Let's see if those two crazy kids go on a little adventure and fall (back) in love along the way.

It starts with Ben Gates' sidekick saying, "Do you know how much $5 million costs in taxes, $6 million." Yeah, and that was before the Healthcare bill (oooohhhh). Ben got kicked out by the same chick from the first movie and her German accent is noticeably lessened, but still there. Now, why the F you would get an actress with a German accent to play the head curator of the National Museum of American History, I have no idea. Shouldn't that be, you know, an American. Now, she works at the Library of Congress as the head of Document Preservation. Where else would a German be at home other than being surrounded by great American works of literature?

Snide Remarks does a good job of skewering this plot, so I'll try not to overlap, but let me reiterate the plot line. Ben and Dad, played by Jon Voight, get sucked in to this adventure because some dude besmirched his great grandfather's name and now he has to clear it and the only way to do it is by finding a city of gold. See how linear that is. They figure out a coded message, go to Paris to see the other Statue of Liberty and find an inscription and then it's off to Buckingham Palace.

The sidekick hacks into Buckingham Palace using circuitry he snuck in an Ipod and a Blackberry. I have no real complaint here, at least it's better than the old school Batcave computers that gave you a printout after some knobs were turned and lights blinked arbitrarily. The only thing is the graphical interface that every movie and TV show has. This is enough for a whole separate post really, but doesn't anyone use Windows?

Nic Cage and the German girl proceed to break into probably two of the more secure places in the world, Buckingham Palace and the White House. All they have to do is ride in a dumb waiter and ask the guy who's trying to bang German girl to get them into the Oval Office like it's getting backstage at a U2 concert.

Nic Cage then ups the anty to get some one on one face time with the President. He turns into a super historian/Navy SEAL as he infiltrates the President's birthday party. Ben dons some scuba gear and then slips past the Secret Service with a "hey, howya doing" and walks right up to the Prez and engages him in conversation. He shows the Prez a sketch of Mt. Vernon with a secret passage drawn by George Washington and entices him to go check it out. How? Because the Prez was a "Historical Architecture" major at Yale (duh). He gets the Prez to tell him about the Book of Secrets and then heads to the Library of Congress to get it. Ben arrives all the while evading bumbling Secret Service and federal agents and driving over the slowest rising car barriers I have ever seen. Hasn't the writer seen the History Channel were the show a semi trying to slam into an embassy or something; those things shoot up.

It is at this point or some point prior, or after, that Professor Gates tells the story of some ship that shipwrecked in Florida and how there were only 4 survivors. One of them was a slave who saved the local chief's life and, as a reward, they took him to see their city of gold. He came back years later and couldn't find it. Remember this part because there is a good reason he couldn't find it.

The gang figures out that they have to go to Mount Rushmore and come to the realization that the monument was a cover up. They wanted to destroy the clues that led to the city of gold. As lifeandtimesofthestrange author Bobby Roberts put it, "Why would they cover it up?" To keep it for themselves? Then, why didn't they take the gold? To keep it hidden? Then why build a F'N monument on top of it? There is no reason. The gang stops at an arbitrary spot on Mount Rushmore and starts looking for this eagle symbol they need to find, which they of course do. In one minute. On top of a mountain. Randomly. The writers didn't even throw in the "it should be right here" line that would've helped and NOT been lazy filmmaking.

They find the secret passage which leads to the climax of the story, finding the city of gold and then escaping. This also coincides, probably not ironically, with the climax of plot holes in the story. The Drain. What makes this point so excruciating is that they explain it in the movie. The gang needs to find a way out, but there is water cascading all around the city of gold. Then, Ben explains that there has to be a drain because the room would have filled up. There has to be a drain! They get the water to stop momentarily and Dad drops a dollar in the water proclaiming, "there's a current...it's right under us." The gang heads down to the the drain area where they discover that there is a door they need someone to open so they can all get through it, but close it behind them because the shaft floods with water when it's left open. THEN HOW THE F IS THAT THE DRAIN?!? It's obviously not the place where the water is draining to. Find the real drain and take that. When the door is closed no water gets in, it cannot be the drain. So, who do they choose to leave behind Ed Harris.

(Oh, right. Okay so Ed Harris plays the villain Wilkeson who wants to find the city of gold to make a name for the Wilkesons or something like that. Why?, we have no idea. I have a theory that Wilkeson is somehow related to John Wilkes Booth, but they don't explain that either. Anyway, he chases Ben Gates and company all over the globe with guns and switches from holding a knife to German girl's throat to giving himself up to hold the door open and save the gang. This happens in a span of 1 minute.)

The gang escapes and the Gates name is cleared.

Wait, what?

How does finding the city of gold clear his name and not him trying to burn coded pages to keep the South from finding the gold? Oh, and I know why the slave couldn't find the city again. BECAUSE IT WAS IN SOUTH DAKOTA. The slave was shipwrecked in Florida and the local Indians had a lost city of gold in South Dakota?!? That doesn't make any F'N sense. A 16th century regional tribe of Seminoles had a lost city of gold in the Black Hills of South Dakota. Jacksonville, FL to Mount Rushmore, SD is 1874 miles.

Ah well, at least I'll have some more material when they make National Treasure 3 about whatever was on page 47 in that damn book.

-K